Al: Al, listen, I'm already done with the first trimester. Now what if what's left is all good, and we miss out on it?Al: [laughing] You know, I'm finally starting to understand how she got you. Let me explain something to you. There is no such thing as a trimester. There's actually just one long forty year-mester. Except when they're pregnant, you get what I call the mini-mester. You've got your fat-mester and your puke-mester, and lord in heaven, you got your horny-mester.
Al: Kelly, when I was a kid, there were lots of parties I wasn't invited to. I showed up anyway. I stood there with a big smile on my face, and said, "I'm here." and headed right for the food. Sure, they didn't want me there, but I had a great time. And if they didn't, so what? The point is if you want to be there, be there. Even if they hate you. You're a Bundy. Start acting like one.
Al: Look, Steve. Why don't you do this? Go home, wake up Marcy and say, "Hey, I lost my money. I screwed up, it won't happen again, and what's for supper?" That's what being a man is all about, Steve. Making mistakes and not caring.
Al: Son, let this be a lesson to you: never do tequila shooters within a country mile of a marriage chapel.
Al: Those articles that say married couples have sex every month are just sensationalistic lies perpetrated on the public to sell magazines. It's hooey I tell you, hooey.
Al: Ah, Peg. You're down here. Damn. Then I was dreaming you ran off with the dwarf down at the bookstore, and I was living in sin with a Playboy centerfold and her eight friends who could speak but chose not to.
Al: Everybody, I have an announcement. Your happiness... sickens me. Everybody but me is looking at good times. But for me it's been one long continuous year since I got married. Actually, one long month. Helluary.
Peggy: I tried to get Al to fix the driveway a long time ago. But his philosophy is why improve a home you're only going to live in anyway?
Peggy: Sooo... we've certainly learned a lot about each other. We have no opinions on politics, religion, science, starving people, nuclear holocaust or recycling. The only thing we seem to feel strongly about is we both hate that painting behind Jay Leno.
Kelly: Remember, attraction is a three-way street. Or is it a one-way tunnel? Hmm, in any case, I do know it's a four-lane highway, but it takes two to use the car-pool lane. I guess what I'm trying to say is, what the younger generation has learned is that there's nothing for us to watch on CBS, and you've got to be yourself. A man has to love you for you, not some costume. He's gotta love who you are.
Bud: Well, when I get my degree, from an accredited community college, I might add, I'll be the one with the Lucky Charms, my friends. And I'll be eating them out of the bra cups of my own private breakfast treat, Monique. Here's to the future.
Peggy: What would you like? Al: A nice juicy steak, medium rare, with little brown potatoes on the right side of the plate, ketchup on the left, where some people waste space with vegetables. And for dessert, a roast beef.
Al: It's not that I couldn't be happy without you, Peg. It's just that I couldn't be happy. Perhaps that is the true Bundy Legacy.
Peggy: I thought the true Bundy Legacy was underwear with just an elastic band.
Kelly: He'll be here. When my daddy says he'll do something he... no, that's my friend Marsha's daddy. But when my daddy puts his mind to something, he... no, that's Carolyn's daddy. Well, my daddy dear, he knows he's still number one, oh girls just want to have fun. No, that's Cyndi Lauper's daddy. Hmm. Jackson: What about your daddy?
Kelly: Obviously, he's not here.
Marcy: Oh, it's too bad some men don't know how to give up their sports gracefully instead of lingering on like big babies.
Al: Yeah, doggone it. If we could only be comfortable with our age like you darn gals. You know, I mean, in the morning you go into the bathroom, a little blush, a little mascara and voila. You got an old woman scared of rain. Then you try and clean and jerk your breasts into a bra, ease some exercise pants over that front and back belly, go down to the market and flirt with the bag boy. I guess what I'm trying to say is it's just pretty pathetic when we guys try to cling to our youth.
Al: I don't smell no food. If you expect me to pleasure you, I need what Robert Mitchum needs.
Peggy: A jowl tightening?
Al: No. Beef. Let's have it, baby.
Peggy: Al, do you know I cooked four hours for that five minutes of sex we had? It just isn't worth it.
Peggy: No TV, Al, we're talking. Al: You're my wife. I will not talk to you while I have a TV.
Al: I don't want more people in this house. I want less. I want my life back, dammit. I want my youth. I want my hair. I want... this room. It's really nice... Are you thinking of moving out, son? Bud: No, Dad. Al: Damn. Well, it doesn't hurt to ask.
Bud: Bundy's a name you earn. Our emotional scars run so deep you can almost see them.
Al: Well, I guess there's nothing left to do now but pick out the dress you're going to wear when Dan Rather asks you why your son shot the President.
Al: You think I'm a loser? Because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, and a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every day when I wake up in the morning, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep. So I get up. I have my watered-down Tang and my still-frozen Pop Tart. I get in my car with no gas, no upholstery, and six more payments. I fight honking traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes onto the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I wanted to. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never know the joy of driving through the city without a bag over my head. But I'm not a loser. Because, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what they wanted to be, is out there, being what we don't want to be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact that I didn't put a gun in my mouth years ago - that little fact makes me a winner, baby.
Peggy: Well, who's going to go up there and tell your father that metal conducts electricity? Kelly, Bud: Not me. We could get hurt up there.
Al: I'll be going. Don't bother to get the elevator, I'll just jump out the window.
Al: We don't need the lottery. We have each other. Peggy: I want the lottery.
[Playing a board game, Al has to tell what he cares about] Al: I Care, by Al Bundy. When hooters jiggle around and I find nickels on the ground, I care. When a Mustang engine purrs and the bathroom is not hers, I care. When the pitcher's on the mound and the wife is underground, I care. But when I've been playing this for days, I will kill anyone who stays. I swear.
Al: Peg, I don't wanna go to our high school reunion. Can't we just forget the good times and get on with our lives?
Al: What was I thinking when I said "I do"? I'd already had sex with her; I didn't need that again.
Peggy: Now look, Al. You said you wouldn't take me to prom. I said fine. You said you'd only be a shoe salesman for a little while until you got your feet off the ground. I said fine. You said, "I don't know what's wrong; I guess I'm just tired." I said fine. I'm not saying fine this time, Al.
Al: Feed me, or feed me to something. I just want to be part of the food chain.
Al: Bud, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Bud: Luscious hooters? Al: No. That's what I should have been thinking about, but no.
Peggy: Is it dead, Al? Al: It doodied on the trap, Peg, and in my bowling shoe. Peggy: Something went in your shoe and lived? Will you call an exterminator now? Al: Nah, now it's personal.
[Stumbling down the steps in the middle of the night] Al: Can't sleep with that damn woman in my bed.
Al: Ah, home sweet hell.
Al: Peg, kids, get ready to torture me - I'm home.
Al: I work in a shoe store, I make less than minimum wage, and yet I'm not happy to be home.
Marcy: What would it be like if men had breasts? Al: We wouldn't need women any more.
Kelly: Daddy. It is so hot, you can lay an egg on the sidewalk.
Bud: Hey, they're hosting a talent show contest. Peggy: Yeah, and the first prize is 500 dollars. Bud: Why don't we enter? Al: Because we don't have any talent. Kelly: Dad, what are you talking about? Bud does a solo act every night. Of course, he hasn't gotten an award for it since the Cub Scouts.
Kelly: I'm trying to teach these kids how to read. Bud: But, Kelly, you can't read. Kelly: Well you can't score, but you still have a bed.
[Al is on trial for assault] Kelly: Your Honor, I'm here to defend my daddy. D is for daddy. A... is for daddy. D is for daddy, Y is for daddy, I is for daddy, WE is for daddy. The defense breasts! Al: Uh, Your Honor, if there is a valid lawsuit here, it should be Bundy vs. the Board of Education, because she actually graduated high school!
Bud: You can't be this dumb. Kelly: I can be anything I wanna be, it's the '90s.
Kelly: Bud, I'm gonna kill you and then I'm gonna bury you alive.
Al: Can I have a "Whoa Bundy."? The Bundy's: Whooooooooa Bundy.
Al: Yes, A Family Barbecue. [holding out a hand] Al: Who's gonna give it a "Whoa Bundy" here? [no response] Al: ... Eh? [Peggy, Kelly and Bud get up from the couch and walk away] Al: ... No one? Fine. Peggy: Oh, Al. Honey, don't get us wrong. It's not like we don't enjoy sweltering in the backyard, being bitten by horseflies and watching you scratch your sweaty back with our salad forks. But Honey, just once we would like to do something WE want. Al: Well, we can't do something that you want, and I'll tell you why. Because its, it's Labor Day, not Leech Day - that's Christmas. It's not Parasite Day - that's Mother's Day. See, this is a holiday for the working guy. It celebrates all the people who work so that all the people who don't... [referring to his family] Al: ... get to live longer and have more than he does. So tomorrow, unless, God willing, I die in my sleep, I get up for me and celebrate for me. Tomorrow is Al Bun-Day. Peggy: Gee, I thought that was Al-O-Ween.
Al: [watching "The Jeffersons"] Oh my God. It's Wheezy in a bathing suit!
Al: [the Bundy Creedo] Hooters, hooters, yum yum yum. Hooters hooters on a girl that's dumb.
Al: Peg, do we really need Christmas icicles? It's May. Peggy: Well you'll thank me in December. Al: Only if you leave me in November.
Peggy: A Bathroom is not a room. Al: YES IT IS A ROOM. It says so in the title "BATH ROOM."
Peggy: And if you had what other men have, I wouldn't need BATTERIES ANYMORE. Al: THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DIEHARD.
[repeated line] Al: Let's rock.
Al: Women, you can't live with them... the end.
Kelly: Something is rotten in the state of Denver.
Kelly: I'm trying to teach these kids how to read. Bud: But, Kelly, you can't read. Kelly: Well you can't score, but you still have a bed.
[Al is on trial for assault] Kelly: Your Honor, I'm here to defend my daddy. D is for daddy. A... is for daddy. D is for daddy, Y is for daddy, I is for daddy, WE is for daddy. The defense breasts! Al: Uh, Your Honor, if there is a valid lawsuit here, it should be Bundy vs. the Board of Education, because she actually graduated high school!
Bud: You can't be this dumb. Kelly: I can be anything I wanna be, it's the '90s.
Kelly: Bud, I'm gonna kill you and then I'm gonna bury you alive.
Al: Can I have a "Whoa Bundy."? The Bundy's: Whooooooooa Bundy.
Al: Yes, A Family Barbecue. [holding out a hand] Al: Who's gonna give it a "Whoa Bundy" here? [no response] Al: ... Eh? [Peggy, Kelly and Bud get up from the couch and walk away] Al: ... No one? Fine. Peggy: Oh, Al. Honey, don't get us wrong. It's not like we don't enjoy sweltering in the backyard, being bitten by horseflies and watching you scratch your sweaty back with our salad forks. But Honey, just once we would like to do something WE want. Al: Well, we can't do something that you want, and I'll tell you why. Because its, it's Labor Day, not Leech Day - that's Christmas. It's not Parasite Day - that's Mother's Day. See, this is a holiday for the working guy. It celebrates all the people who work so that all the people who don't... [referring to his family] Al: ... get to live longer and have more than he does. So tomorrow, unless, God willing, I die in my sleep, I get up for me and celebrate for me. Tomorrow is Al Bun-Day. Peggy: Gee, I thought that was Al-O-Ween.
Al: [watching "The Jeffersons"] Oh my God. It's Wheezy in a bathing suit!
Al: [the Bundy Creedo] Hooters, hooters, yum yum yum. Hooters hooters on a girl that's dumb.
Al: Peg, do we really need Christmas icicles? It's May. Peggy: Well you'll thank me in December. Al: Only if you leave me in November.
Peggy: A Bathroom is not a room. Al: YES IT IS A ROOM. It says so in the title "BATH ROOM."
Peggy: And if you had what other men have, I wouldn't need BATTERIES ANYMORE. Al: THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DIEHARD.
[repeated line] Al: Let's rock.
Al: Women, you can't live with them... the end.
Kelly: Something is rotten in the state of Denver.
Kelly: I'm like the Beatles of the 20th Century.Al: I must have poured a million gallons of water down that hole. I flooded the whole block and every living thing in it. Now if that rabbit's still alive, I'm yours tonight. [Rabbit's head pops out of hole] Peggy: [talking to the kids] You know, the strange thing is, I don't really want him. But, a promise is a promise. Al: Now look what you've done! You'll be screaming worse than me, I'll tell you! [as Peggy drags him into the house] Al: I'll get you for this, I'll make you pay for this, I'm telling you!
Peggy: This is George Washington, the father of our country. Kelly: I thought that was James Brown. Peggy: No, he was the Godfather of soul. Kelly: I thought that was Don Corleone. Peggy: I think we've had enough for one day.
Jefferson: Since the wives are downtown feeding dinners to the homeless, shouldn't we be at the nudie bar feeding dollars to the topless.
The Beaver: Ladies and gentlemen, it's certainly a pleasure to be here at Foodies, the store with great food, and super-low prices... [breaks down] The Beaver: Oh, merciful heavens, won't somebody please shoot me! Somebody, please, just put a bullet through the Old Beav's head! Peggy: Oh, Al, look at him. He's brought so much pleasure to so many. Can't you get him a job at the shoe store? Al: That's all I need, Peg. Work all day with the Beaver and come home to you.
Al: My country would never rule against me. Bud: Dad, they ruled against you. Al: Damn George Washington. I wish he was dead.
Peggy: So where's my anniversary gift? Al: Oh, um, it's out in the car. I'll get it. [Goes out to the garage, tries to start the car, then comes back inside] Al: Happy anniversary. Peggy: A can of motor oil? Al: 40 weight, and a road flare. Bless our happy home.
TV Announcer: Coming up next is the television special, "I Drink Because My Father is A Shoe Salesman". Al: [skyward] Good one.
Peggy: Al, how come you never send me roses? Al: I don't like you, Peg.
Al: Oh no, Peg, you mocked the Dodge. She shot the Dodge, but she didn't shoot the deputy. Peggy: What does that mean? Al: I don't know, Peg, I'm just babbling like this because I'm staring at her cleavage.
Al: That 8-track is to today's stereos like what a girlfriend is to a wife: an earlier, better version.
Al: Marcy, haven't you ever got up in the morning and realize something was missing? Of course you do, you must when you open your pajama top. Marcy: Or your pajama bottom.
Al: Now wait a second Peg, the kids are here. If you want to have sex, they'll have to leave. And if you want it to be good, you'll have to leave.
Angel: I know you think you got it tough: your wife doesn't respect you, your kids think you're a failure, a good day for you is when you don't come across any new foot diseases... Believe me, I sympathize. But you think your life reeks? Take a whiff of mine, pal. [gets up] Angel: My wife gained a hundred pounds for every year we were married. We had two kids, I think she ate 'em, I dunno. I hated driving home so much I had vanity plates written up that said "hit me". But despite it all, she loved me. You know how I know? Because she told me. Oh yeah. When I was at work, she loved my father, my brother, by bookie... But when I found my grandfather's teeth in my bed under the pillow, then I knew there was trouble in paradise. [sits back down] Angel: That's when I did what any other man would do, Bundy. I canceled my insurance and I hung myself. Showed her, huh? [laughs insanely] Al: And you're here to help me, huh?
Al: I will not bend, I will not break. I will not sit, I will not make.
Peggy: Al just had it in his head that the cop was an impersonator. I'm sorry I put that in your head, Al.
Jefferson: Since the wives are downtown feeding dinners to the homeless, shouldn't we be at the nudie bar feeding dollars to the topless.
The Beaver: Ladies and gentlemen, it's certainly a pleasure to be here at Foodies, the store with great food, and super-low prices... [breaks down] The Beaver: Oh, merciful heavens, won't somebody please shoot me! Somebody, please, just put a bullet through the Old Beav's head! Peggy: Oh, Al, look at him. He's brought so much pleasure to so many. Can't you get him a job at the shoe store? Al: That's all I need, Peg. Work all day with the Beaver and come home to you.
Al: My country would never rule against me. Bud: Dad, they ruled against you. Al: Damn George Washington. I wish he was dead.
Peggy: So where's my anniversary gift? Al: Oh, um, it's out in the car. I'll get it. [Goes out to the garage, tries to start the car, then comes back inside] Al: Happy anniversary. Peggy: A can of motor oil? Al: 40 weight, and a road flare. Bless our happy home.
TV Announcer: Coming up next is the television special, "I Drink Because My Father is A Shoe Salesman". Al: [skyward] Good one.
Peggy: Al, how come you never send me roses? Al: I don't like you, Peg.
Al: Oh no, Peg, you mocked the Dodge. She shot the Dodge, but she didn't shoot the deputy. Peggy: What does that mean? Al: I don't know, Peg, I'm just babbling like this because I'm staring at her cleavage.
Al: That 8-track is to today's stereos like what a girlfriend is to a wife: an earlier, better version.
Al: Marcy, haven't you ever got up in the morning and realize something was missing? Of course you do, you must when you open your pajama top. Marcy: Or your pajama bottom.
Al: Now wait a second Peg, the kids are here. If you want to have sex, they'll have to leave. And if you want it to be good, you'll have to leave.
Angel: I know you think you got it tough: your wife doesn't respect you, your kids think you're a failure, a good day for you is when you don't come across any new foot diseases... Believe me, I sympathize. But you think your life reeks? Take a whiff of mine, pal. [gets up] Angel: My wife gained a hundred pounds for every year we were married. We had two kids, I think she ate 'em, I dunno. I hated driving home so much I had vanity plates written up that said "hit me". But despite it all, she loved me. You know how I know? Because she told me. Oh yeah. When I was at work, she loved my father, my brother, by bookie... But when I found my grandfather's teeth in my bed under the pillow, then I knew there was trouble in paradise. [sits back down] Angel: That's when I did what any other man would do, Bundy. I canceled my insurance and I hung myself. Showed her, huh? [laughs insanely] Al: And you're here to help me, huh?
Al: I will not bend, I will not break. I will not sit, I will not make.
Peggy: Al just had it in his head that the cop was an impersonator. I'm sorry I put that in your head, Al.
Jefferson: You're a Bundy and if you put a D where the N is, you're a buddy. Al: And if you put an N where the D is, I'm a bunny. What's your point?
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Al: Steve, let's go for a ride in the Mustang. Just sit and look cooly out the window and we'll pretend these [their wives] Al: are our mothers.
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Steve: Al, you realize that tampering with your kids dental records is against the law. Al: So is dressing up a chicken and calling it your wife.
Peggy: Hi, Al. I brought you lunch. Al: Thanks, Peg. Peg, this is just three pieces of bread. Where's the meat? Peggy: Think of it as a club sandwich; hold the club. Al: I wish I was holding a club. Oh well, it's gotta be better than yesterday's hot dog bun on rye.
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Al: That's my douche. Jefferson: Oh yeah? Well you touched my Girlie Fizz.
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Kelly: If Beavis and Butt-head did a live stage show 100 years from now, I'd go to it. Bud: Kelly, Beavis and Butt-head are cartoons. Kelly: They prefer to be called "dimensionally challenged".
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Jefferson: Can I stay here a while? I don't want Marcy to know I'm not at the Unemployment Anonymous meeting.
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Kelly: [Playing a shoe store customer] Excuse me, Sir, do you have any purple pumps? Al: ...Certainly we have purple pimps. At Gary's Shoes, we feet your treat.
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Griff: Bud, did I ever tell you that I was Dorothy in my high school production of The Wiz? Bud: All male school? Griff: No.
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[Al is building a new bathroom] Steve Rhoades: Al, I don't see any spot marked off for a sink. Al: Hey, this is a man's bathroom. You know, when you share a bathroom with a woman, or in my case Peggy, you got nylons hanging on the curtain rod, you got Nair where the toothpaste should be, a bottle of vinegar lying around. I mean, what do they do in there, make a salad? In my bathroom there's only gonna be men's things: Rolaids, Milk of Magnesia, Tums, a spot for my razor. Steve Rhoades: Why have a razor if you don't have a sink? Al: Oh, it's not for shaving, Steve. It's for peace of mind.
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Kelly: Mom, I'm on the horns of an enema.
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Al: Gee I wish I could figure out what happened to my tools and my copper wiring and my tile and my life and my manhood.
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Jefferson: How am I going to pay for this? Marcy: Three words. Jefferson: I love you? Marcy: Try again. Jefferson: Hop on Pop? Marcy: Get a job. [Peg and Jefferson gape in horror]
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Bob Rooney: I'll get leopard skin seat covers to match my underwear. Ike: I guess I won't be getting seat covers.
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Al: Griff, girls like that are a dime a dozen. Griff: Here's a dime, bring me a dozen.
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Peggy: A pox on you, Al. Al: Yeah; like I'd notice.
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Heidi: Mr. Bundy, where is says "Name", do you want mine? Al: Uh no, just a simple naked photo will do.
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Al: The job has already been filled by someone far more qualified. Heidi: Mr. Bundy, where it says "Date", do you want his name or where we went? Al: That's Heidi. She's dumb as toast, but I'd kill for her. And I'd start with you.
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Kelly Bundy: God, I can't believe I have to go to work at 10 tomorrow. Bud: [mocking Kelly] AM or BM? Kelly Bundy: BM. Why can't they just call it "PM", for "Post Meridian"?
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Al: Why doesn't Willie Nelson hold a benefit for me? He could call it AlAid.
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Bud: Hey, Kel. Guess what; I've got a date tonight with a foreign exchange student who's so easy she makes you look like a calculus problem.
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Kelly: Let me guess, Billy Ray Bundy? Bud: Damn straight, missy. Country's in. Kelly: Then what country are you? Bud: I'm going to ignore that, human peep show. Now, I've chewed my weight in Red Man. I've learned my country sayings like, "Ornery" and, "I thought you was 18". Well, as I live and barely breathe in these jeans, I'll be riding the country charts tonight.
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Steve: Al, I'm horny what are you gonna do about it?
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[a pregnant Peggy is sitting up in bed and wolfing down food] Peggy: Gee Al, I don't know about you, but I'm horny as hell. Al: Well, so am I, but you don't see me bothering you with it, do you?
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Al: [on Peg's pregnancy] God, I feel like Exxon. One spill, I'm paying for it the rest of my life!
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Poxilda: That's it! I curse thee, Shamus McBundy, and all thy male descendants. Henceforth, ye shall only shoe the large and ungrateful. Shamus McBundy: [sarcastic] Ooh, yikes! Saveth me! Poxilda: And so that ye and all thy male descendants will be hated in this place forever, Lower Uncton shall always be in darkness, though other towns nearby stand in sun. Shamus McBundy: Eh? Will ye be floating above us, blocking the sun? Poxilda: Just for that, throughout eternity your feet will sweat. Aye, and verily smell! [exits, cackling]
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Marcy: [imitating Al's caveman ancestors] Me no understand wheel thing. Wanna buy some shoes?
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Al: After midnight, we're gonna sell a lot of shoes!
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Winston: I'm Winston, I'm your driver, and this is my assistant driver, Igor. Igor: Igor! [aside] Igor: You know perfectly well I had my name changed legally. Is it too much trouble to address me as Merrill? Winston: I'll call you Merrill when we're alone, all right? Igor: And when was the last time we were alone, hmm? Winston: Not in front of the Yanks!
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Peggy: He's in a suit. Is there a funeral at school today? Bud: Yes. 'Tis the death of Bud Bundy, lonely boy, and the birth of Stud Bundy, only boy. I have a date!
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Al: Yep, it's a point of pride. Ever since the day the first Bundy stepped off the Mayflower... halfway over. They never found him, but they recorded his final words: "Methinks we're here!"
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Al: [preparing to plunge the toilet] This is a job for Old Betsy. Peggy: Why do all plungers have girls' names, Al? Al: Because the cavemen used to hold their women by the feet for a job like this.
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Al: The fuse is lit and the fire is on. Burn, baby, burn.
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Al: Yes, yes, yes, I am an American hero. And in the grand tradition of American heroes, I will hawk more products than Bill Cosby... when he was hot.
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Al: Hey, this is my house. I don't let the bank in here and they own the place.
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Al: Oh hello, Officer, did you mistake our house for a donut shop? Officer Dan: Obviously not. There's only one of me.
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[the Bundys are in Hollywood for Kelly's TV show] Al: Think about it, fame, fortune all from your TV show. Kelly: Yeah, just think, some day my picture will be hanging on this wall with other exciting TV shows as... [reading the names of the NBS TV show posters] Kelly: Ellen and her Dog; Spike La Bee, New York City School Teacher; Art Alente, PI; Black Cop, White Girl; Me and the Shiksha; The Homeless Detective; Amos and Andrew, the series. [to Al] Kelly: Daddy, do they have to hang my picture here?
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Al: What a nice little town we live in. Neighborhood's burning down, no cops. There's a robbery, no cops. I start my car, here comes the Bundy squad.
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Al: Have I gone yet? Bud: No. Al: Then give me a push. [Kelly and Bud shove Al] Al: Now help me up.
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Jefferson: Al, have you ever read the book, "The Man is Always Right"? Al: No, the wife wouldn't let me.
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Jefferson: What will you tell Peg? Al: Same thing I always tell her: [Checks to make sure Peg is not around] Al: That what I do is none of her damn business.
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Al: [When paying the bills] Oh man we're broke, cha cha cha Everybody flat broke, cha cha cha/Living in the gutter, cha cha cha/Early grave, cha cha cha/All right now, everybody - shoot me.
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Peggy: Who is loved more than all babies that came before him. Now, since we have limited space, I would like to move that the baby share a room with Daddy and me. We'll just put a crib at the foot of the bed. Al: I would like the record to show that I would rather sleep in a bunk bed under Oprah. I would rather engage in a frolicking threesome with Roseanne and her cool husband. I would rather play Naked Twister with every one of the Golden Girls, than have that little screaming doodie geyser at the foot of my bed. I've said my piece, thank you. [He sits down, then stands back up] Al: Hail baby.
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Al: That was a beautiful, lovely movie. I saw 22 hooters, a bunch of guys were killed, had no story at all.
[wipes away a tear]
Peggy: It had... it had everything.
Jefferson: What year did the Cubs last win the World Series?
Al: 1908.
Peggy: And yet you can't remember the year we were married?
Al: Same year, 1908. Only difference is, baseball is still interesting.
Peggy: Maybe that's because they score more than once a season.
Peggy: Al, what was I wearing the day we met?
Al: Too much make-up.
Al: Hello, Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Fire Arms? I have an alcohol question: Who was in the very first Lite Beer commercial? I say it was Bubba Smith but I have a friend who thinks it was... Hello?
Jefferson: Who was in the very first Lite Beer commercial?
Al: No problem. You're talking beer, you're talking my language.
Marcy: You're talking beer, you're talking his belly.
Al: [Marcy is wearing a white turtle-neck sweater] Why do I suddenly have an uncontrollable urge to play t-ball?
Bud: Hey, Dad, we heard the sports bar is opening the same night as the Jeffersons tour.
[Stifling laughter]
Bud: Which one are you going to?
[Laughs]
Al: Ha ha ha. Kids, you wanna do ol' Dad a favor before he kills ya?
Bud: Mom was so convinced I was Dad that she picked my pocket during the scene change.
Kelly: What are you complaining about? At least you didn't get a hickey.
Marcy: It's the Jeffersons Movin' On Up Tour.
Bud: Was the Facts of Life Eatin' On Up Tour all sold out?
Peggy: So Al... I, uh, notice you're not burdened down with presents for your loving family. Are they, uh, in the car?
Al: Well, no.
Bud: Are they, uh, being delivered?
Al: No.
Kelly: Are they... invisible?
[Al, Peg and Bud stare oddly at Kelly]
Kelly: Well, you guys get to ask the good questions. If for once you'd let me go first, I would've asked if they were being delivered...
[takes out a note from his coat pocket]
Angel: As matter of fact, I'm looking for, uh...
[looks at his note]
Angel: an Al Bundy. Do you know an Al Bundy?
Al: I'm Al Bundy.
[the angel eyes Al for a moment, then looks up at the sky]
Angel: [hollering towards the sky] Nooooooooooo. Could you stop playing Nintendo up there for a minute? What kind of a mess have you got me into? What have you done to me?
[the angel breaks into tears and buries his face in Al's chest]
Al: There, there, buddy. How 'bout I go get my gun and shoot you with a nice silver bullet? Would you like that, buddy?
Marcy: Oh, Peggy, I don't know what to do. Steve is an unfeeling cur. As you know, my sainted Aunt Tuney passed away.
Steve: Sainted, my foot. She used to pay for sailors.
Marcy: She was sixty-seven and they wouldn't come for free. Any... Anyway, I was her favorite, and the honor of caring for her sainted ashes fell to me.
Steve: And the horrible cross to bear of caring for her hundred thousand dollars fell to her cats.
Steve: Thank you, Al, we'll be glad to come. What can we bring?
Al: Well, just the plates, and some food, and some beers and leave the rest to us. Oh, this is gonna be just great. You know, there's nothing like spending Labor Day with the family, good food, and good friends.
[reality dawns on Al]
Al: Oh, God. What a charade.
[Al breaks down crying]
Bud: [the couch has been torched] If we're going to get a new couch, we need a picture of the old one.
Kelly: Good idea. You're a genius.
[Takes a picture of the torched couch]
Kelly: Now what?
Bud: Now we send this to Ripley's, along with your picture. I meant a picture BEFORE the fire.
Bud: Dad, you want me to take the bag to the car?
Al: No, she can walk.
[In Al's fantasy]
Minister: Do you, Al Bundy, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Al: Do I look that stupid to you?
Kelly: [At a Jeffersons stage show] Where's the guy that says, "Dyno-Mite."?
Bud: No, you're thinking of that other show, "Gimme A Stroke".
Al: Peg, "To Serve Man"... It's a cook book.
Marcy: I feel sports glorify violence and competition, and I don't think it's psychologically healthy. When we have a child, we don't want it to grow up with that winning-is-the-only-thing attitude. A child is better off not being exposed to sports.
Al: You gonna neuter him too?
Al: Let me tell you something. No woman tells Al Bundy what to do.
Woman: Hey you. Get my shoes.
Al: Yes, Ma'am.
Al: You know another thing that uh, you know another thing that makes women such a blessing to us?
[sits on the couch next to Steve]
Al: It's like when you're sitting somewhere and they come over and say to ya, "What are you thinking?" and you start thinking, "Y'know, if I wanted you to know I'd be talking."
[Al laughs]
Al: But you can't actually say that to 'em or else they'll kill you. And they're allowed to, see it's that whole period, P.M.S. thing, I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I think that P.M.S. stands for "Pummels Men's Scrotums." Does your wife buy you juice, Steve?
Al: I'm going to take my tools, which I paid for, and celebrate in the garage which I'm still paying for.
Peggy: Gee, Al, uh, think you could slow down? My hair is just whipping in the wind.
[to Bud and Kelly]
Peggy: He's not scaring you, is he, kids?
[Bud puts his hand to his ear]
Bud: [with sarcasm] Sorry, Mom, I couldn't hear you over the 'roar' of the engine.
Kelly: Come on, leave Daddy alone. I mean, how could he possibly know there would be a TRAFFIC JAM on LABOR DAY?
[Kelly looks at Al accusingly]
Al: [trying to stay calm] Shut up. Al: Ah, I'm not gonna let you ruin this for me, Peg.
[sounding very forced]
Al: Yep, this is my vacation, and I'm a-having fun.
[inhales deeply]
Al: I'm loving this.
Al: [There is a short pause, then Al stops smiling and starts vigorously honking the horn; with frustration] Move! Move! I can't take anymore! Oh God, you're killing me!
[honking some more]
Al: Move! Move!
[Al buries his head in the wheel] Jefferson: My uterus hurts. Kelly: We wouldn't be having this problem if we had used a see-saw.
Bud: We wouldn't be having this problem if Dad had used a condom. Al: Look, Kids, that picture is worth a thousand condom commercials. Al: Oh, Peg, look, Car-Bras.
Peggy: The Dodge does not need a Car-Bra.
Al: Oh, it's not for the Dodge, Peg. No, it's for your mom.
[Al holds the box up]
Al: Look, it's even in her size: "Astro Van". Bud: Dad, you can't put a dog outside in the middle of winter. It's inhumane.
Al: No Bud, inhumane would be to force him to work at a shoe store for minimum wage and then have him come home to a red-headed Shih Tzu. Marcy: What did Peggy give you, Al?
Al: Irregularity... and
[refers to Bud and Kelly]
Al: these two. Peggy: Al, get rid of those kids.
Al: If I knew how to do that we wouldn't have ours.
[Al opens the door and announces to the kids]
Al: Okay everybody, boys and girls, and you Tony. Santa's okay. Now he just had a little bit of Mrs. Bundy's cooking and he's in the bathroom bent over, but he's going to be fine, so go home. Peggy: OK, he's gone. Now for Daddy's present. Bud, run upstairs and get a tie out of Daddy's closet.
Kelly: I'll get a box.
Peggy: Oh, no, no, no, wait. It's Christmas, we should make it special for him - Bud, get one of his shirts too.
[excitedly]
Peggy: Oh gosh, I just love Christmas. Al: Hey, don't kid yourself, I've got plenty of money saved up -
[looks at Peg]
Al: Whoops. Well, it doesn't matter, you're not getting any. I'm gonna get me a Big Boy Socket Wrench Set. Man, it's gonna be great. I'll around this house and tighten more nuts than you did in high school. Al: Once my kids leave the house, I'll finally be able to do what every man is supposed to. I can watch TV. I can... well, I don't know but it doesn't matter. It's still better than having a screaming, crapping, money-sucking little vampire bobsledding me to the graveyard. God I feel good.
Peggy: Honey?
Al: Yes?
Peggy: Guess what?
Al: What?
Peggy: I'M PREGNANT TOO.
Marcy: How far along are you?
Peggy: Five months.
Al: Five months?
Peggy: Al, didn't you notice that I was getting fat?
Al: Well... yeah. Marcy: Well, at least I have no complaints. My Jefferson can't do enough for me. Would you believe it? Right now he is out getting me a pie. Sometimes he is so good to me it just brings tears to my eyes.
[Jefferson enters, carrying a pie]
Jefferson: Well. Here it is. I drove fifty miles holding it up so the cherries wouldn't settle on the bottom.
[He presents the pie to Marcy]
Marcy: This is not a large. Is this all you think of me? Is this all you think of your child? Well, you just march yourself right back to Wisconsin and get another pie, mister, or you don't love our baby.
[She starts crying]
Jefferson: [Reluctantly leaves] OK, honey, I'll be right back with another pie.
[he goes out the door]
Jefferson: You stinkin', flamin'...
[trails off] Jefferson: We were being so nostalgic that I... bought a '65 Mustang.
Marcy: You bought a '65 Mustang? When are you going to get a job to drive it to?
Jefferson: I look in the papers, it's just that by the time I get up all the good jobs are taken. Al: Where you can look at a thigh and blacken an eye, at the Nudie Bar. Where the beer gives you gas but the Bundys kick ass... at the Nudie Bar. Winston: There's Parliament.
Bundys: [bored] Great.
Winston: Tower Bridge.
Bundys: [bored] Great.
Winston: Oh, look, Buckingham Palace.
Bundys: [bored] Great.
Winston: And that's Trafalgar Square.
Bundys: [bored] Great. Bud: [in England] Hey look, a McDonald's.
Al: Peg, quick, get the camera. Bud: Dad, it's an airport.
Al: Yep, only this time we're not dressed like Hare Krishnas. Winston: Are there any more male Bundys?
Bud: Women wish there were. Bud: Dad. I got a problem.
[sits on the couch with Al]
Bud: I, er, I did something really stupid.
Al: Oh, Son. You didn't... marry, did you? Bud: [after Amber slips upstairs and gives Bud a seductive look] Dad, whatever you do, just don't send me to my room. Especially for a whole week. That would kill me.
Al: [after short pause] You go to your room. For one week.
Bud: You're a cruel, but fair man.
[runs] Al: Oh oh oh, no. That's why we have cable, Peg. You can see the best and never leave your house...
[switches on the TV]
Al: watch.
TV Announcer: Tonight: Tom Selleck in Mr. Baseball. Then John Goodman is King Ralph. But first, Wings.
Al: I'll drive.
Al: That's kinda like five of the same thing, isn't it? Hey. How about...
[shows the case to Peggy]
Al: Wrestlemania Bloopers.
Peggy: You could have taped our honeymoon for that. Al: Why do I suddenly feel I'm in the presence of great evil?
Bud: [on phone] Hi, Mom. Marcy: Guess what? We're going to have a new addition to our family.
Al: Well, shouldn't you be sitting on it, waiting for it to hatch? Jefferson: OK, Al. I'm here.
[sniffing the air]
Jefferson: Hey, hey. Do I smell... food?
Al: [walking over to him] Jefferson, my man, I've got more food stuck in my teeth than my colon's seen in many a year.
Jefferson: Thanks for sharing that, Al.
Al: Oh, I'm not sharing it. Marcy: Peggy, I say this with love.
[pauses]
Marcy: You're the laziest bitch in Chicago. Bud: She really didn't tell you anything?
Jimmy: No.
Bud: I mean, not even that this guy was the best she ever had? That he was good? Or at least even better than a really tight pair of pants?
Jimmy: Nah, she said it really wasn't worth mentioning.
Bud: That bitch. Peggy: Question two. Who would you rather spend the night with? A - your wife, or B...
Al: B. Al: All right, listen. We've got two young, eager boys hanging around us. You know what that makes us?
Griff: Michael Jackson? Al: Oh, what, you wanna rub it in, huh? Well, that's fine. Because firing me was the best thing you could've done. 'Cause I have a better job now, with more responsibility. And a big hat, too. So you can take your shoe store job and shove it because I have something that's even more important. My self respect.
Gary: You can have your job back.
Al: [desperately relieved] Thank you. Thank you. Marcy: Shove the fruitcake, you bitch. [Al's attention is directed towards the T.V]
Kelly: Daddy, do you notice anything different about me?
Al: No, son.
Kelly: Daddy, it's Kelly.
Al: Well, tell her to come in. [Al answers the door after Marcy furiously knocks]
Al: Hey, Marcy, I thought I heard some pecking.
Marcy: Outta my way, Swamp Gas.
Al: That's *Mr.* Swamp Gas to you. Al: Now, son, you've got two choices: you can get out, or, you can get the hell out. Ralph: Uh oh. I'm out of gas.
Kelly: Aren't you supposed to turn the car off before you say that?
Ralph: What's the difference? We both know I'm not out of gas.
Kelly: Very nice, now we both do.
Ralph: [shuts off engine] God, I hate women. All right, uh oh, I'm out of gas.
Kelly: For real? Peggy: Liar? You know, no one has ever called me that in all my 24 years. Oh come on, it's not like it's your money. Hello?
[Hangs up]
Peggy: Boy, you file one multi-million dollar claim and all that good neighbor crap just flies out the window. Al: Who Cares? It's Free. Bud: Curse you. I curse you to your worst nightmare, an eternity of being together... and you can't leave the bedroom... and Grandma's there... and she's out of Depends.
Kelly: Bud.
Bud: What?
Kelly: Mom and Dad just left us alone. Alone, with no parental supervision.
[Bud thinks about this for a second]
Bud: And stay out. Yes, finally alone. Free, free to run amuck.
[Bud rubs his hands]
Bud: Oh the hooters I'll be a-juggling.
Kelly: Yeah well, don't hurt your hand on the staples. Al: [showing Marcy a check] Because the name on this check says "Al Bumby".
[looks closer at the check]
Al: Al Bumby? Well, that's not important. What's important is that I can cash it - maybe - because I earned it, and that's the bottom line.
[to Peg]
Al: He got the little horse.
Peggy: [sarcastically] Yee-ha.
Al: [on the phone] You got yourself a deal. I'll send the check in the morning. Best to Mrs. Mustang. Kelly: At the beginning of the last meeting I suggested we have no more meetings. It was seconded by Bud, my brother, and Dad, my daddy. We stared dully at Mom and then were forced into a chorus of "We Love The Baby." Then Mom left to pee, and Dad suggested that we play a lethal round of "How Fat Is She?"
[Al lifts his head, worried, and Peg glares at him]
Kelly: Dad guessed 415lbs. We all laughed, and Dad said "Don't write this down, Pumpkin." That concludes my report. Bud: Dad said no candles this year, because of last year's little mishap.
Kelly: Hey, I just thought that Roman candles meant that they were imported. You know, from Romany. Al: Peg. Sell the house.
Peggy: Why, Al? Did you see a shirt somewhere you like?
Al: Yes. It said, "Congratulate Me, Wife's Dead".
[to Kelly]
Al: because you're underage and I'm paying a special rate for
[glances at Peg]
Al: the bumper-car queen over here...
Kelly: [smiling emotionally] Well, I know why you don't want me to drive and it's not the insurance. Your little girl is growing up and you can't bear to let her go, huh?
[Kelly wraps her arms around Al]
Al: No, it's the insurance. Peggy: [writing] Saturday, eleven p.m.: make love. 11:05: Al goes to sleep. 11:06: Finish making love. Al: Hey, Steve?
[chuckles]
Al: You know that two feet, three inches? Well, it was just big enough that a cop spotted me and gave me another ticket for a broken tail-light.
Steve: Well, I warned you, Al.
Al: [chuckling] Yeah, oh yeah. You know, me and you just have to go hunting one day. Yeah, I'll get you a pair of antlers to wear. Steve: [looking through the booklet] Ooh, these tests are brutal. Ooh, here's one they'll never get me on again: how many feet in advance do you have to signal before making a turn in a business or residential area?
Al: Who cares?
Steve: A cop in a business or residential area. Al: "Hondo", Peg... John Wayne's best movie... it only comes on once every 17 years. Oh Peg, please let me watch "Hondo". Peggy: Al, how am I supposed to do my job and yours? I tell ya, now I know how Hillary feels. Al: Don't worry, Peg, I'm not gonna be having a good time. I'll just see what I can in the dark.
Peggy: Uh, like during sex?
Al: No, Peg, I can't fake fixing a step. Man: My wife and I put a penny in it every time we make love.
[smiles]
Man: We're like rabbits.
Al: Good. On Easter I'll dip you both in chocolate and break your heads off. Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardinal: This is the bravest thing this reporter has seen since Bill said, "Hillary, I beg to differ".
[they all take a deep breath and sigh, satisfied]
Al: This is where it all happens. Yes, in a dry cleaner like this they elected Washington and Lincoln. And
[turns around at a round table where this volunteer sits]
Al: , they signed the Declaration of Independence. And from the looks of her, she was probably there to see it. Peg, get a picture of me and Betsy Ross here. Al: Okay, Peg. I tried to use our ATM card, I stuck it in, it spit it out... and it laughed at me.
Peggy: Sound familiar? How many times have I told you, Al, you gotta stick it in the right way. And you know, pressing the right buttons wouldn't hurt either. Jefferson: So, where's the man who's ready to leave home and go bag some babes?
Al: Right here.
Marcy: Oh please, you couldn't bag your own wife.
Al: No, I could bag her. But it doesn't do me any good. I still remember what she looks like. Marcy: You dispensed job information? You who thinks a W2 is a bingo number?
Jefferson: I know it's not a bingo number. It's that stuff you spray on squeaky hinges, isn't it? Al: We're going for a drive.
Kelly: In the Dodge? Aaaaahh.
Al: Just for that, you ride in the back with your mother. Peggy: If you men only knew what we do to keep a marriage alive. Watching Oprah all day so that we have something interesting to talk to you about. Dressing like this
[gestures at herself]
Peggy: to keep you excited. Taking beauty naps to reverse the aging process. And spending all your money so you feel like a good provider. That is how I sacrifice for you, Al Bundy. It is a thankless, exhausting job but I do it. And the only thing I ask in return is that you bring Dad back here. And you fail. You know what this means.
[She grabs him by the arm and leads him upstairs]
Al: [panicked] Oh no Peg, Peg no sex now, Peg. Please, I just need a little more time. I'll find him.
Peggy: I want you to help me give Mom a sits-bath.
[Al's eyes widen in horror]
Al: Can't we have sex instead? Al: Peg, me and the floorboards can't take your mom any more. Al: [referring to Peg's mother] Peg, me and the floorboards can't take your mother any more.
Al: Don't you think I would have done that if I thought I could get away with it? Kelly: [Kelly is giving Al relationship advice] Daddy, if you want Mom to give up the self defense class, you need to take her out.
Al: Don't you think I would have tried that a long time ago if I thought I could get away with it?
Kelly: No, I mean on a date. Try something nice; romantic movies always work for me.
Bud: A Happy Meal and a 'Hello Kitty' pencil always works for you. Peggy: [Peg has gone to the restroom at a sleazy bar] Al; why does it say on the wall 'For a good time' call our house?
Al: I don't know, Peg. I've never had a good time there. Steve: I'm sorry.
Al: Yeah, that and a dime will get you a cup of coffee.
Steve: Where?
Al: Shut up. Al: I'm talking 'bout a break room, Peg. At work. With massage tables and a fridge full of beer. As long as Bud keeps Gary happy, I'm happy. And as long as I'm happy... I'm happy.
Peggy: Yeah, well, what about me?
Al: Don't be selfish, Peg.
Peggy: How the hell should I know? Kelly: Hey, Daddy? You, ah, you might not remember this,
[sits on the chair]
Kelly: but before your accident, you promised me a new car.
Al: Pumpkin, you may not remember this, but MOMMY is the vegetable in the family.
Kelly: Oh. Oh, right. DUH.
Al: Well, the other one. Al: My living room is full of women, men, and your cousin. Peggy: Daddy's our secret weapon.
Kelly: Yeah, if he leaves the bathroom door open. Al: Marcy, see, it's a man's thing. Unlike you leg-shavers, we men... we men like our things broken in. You know, old things. Old tennis shoes, old filthy jeans, a 30-year-old toothbrush with chunkets of Reggie bar in it...
[Marcy makes a disgusted face. Bud puts his burger away and looks like he's about to heave] Al: [demonstrating an invention] We're gonna be so rich, people are gonna HAVE to like us. Al's Father: So, how's tricks? How are the kids?
Al: Fine.
Al's Father: How are my Playboys?
Al: You know, huh?
Al's Father: [Sarcastically] No, I care how you and the kids are. Marcy: Al, I'm amazed your knuckles don't bleed when you walk around. Marcy: Now where could we find a man? Al, have you seen a man?
Al: No, but I see a woman who could make one sterile. Al: Why did we buy a house with only one bathroom?
Peggy: Because all the other houses in our price range were on fire. Except for that lovely house with no kitchen that I wanted.
Al: Well, we all have our disappointments. I have to sleep with mine.
Peggy: Is that its new name? Al: We all have to live with our disappointments, Peg. Of course, I have to sleep with mine. Al: Women should have three breasts - two in front and one in the back for dancing. Kelly: [Trying to read] Bud, what is this word?
Bud: 'A.'
Kelly: Oh cool, just like the letter. Al: Oh, only my loving family. Now I'm wondering why I'm running FROM the axe. Al: You are the biggest - By the way, do you have cable?
Steve: No.
Al: The biggest IDIOT I've ever met. Bud: I was caught having sex in the college library.
Al: All right. That's my boy.
[Starts shaking Bud's hand]
Al: Who's the lucky girl?
Bud: You're shaking her.
TV: This is Senator Bob Packwood, live from the Big 'Uns Olympics. The officials are on the field measuring... it's a new world record. 72.5 inches, she's won the gold. Bud: Oh, by the way, Dad, they made me scrub all the toilets with a toothbrush, so I borrowed yours.
[He takes a toothbrush out of his back pocket, hands it to Al and races upstairs]
Peggy: Well, at least the part about the toothbrush was bad luck.
Al: No, Peg, this is good luck. This is yours. Steve: They think back: "Let's see... who was the last person in the bank on Saturday? Who had the opportunity? Why, it was Rhoades. No wonder he called in sick today. Well, let's turn down his car loan and give him twenty years to life". Of course, I'll turn you in, and as soon as we're both behind bars, I'm going to kill you. And if I can't do it myself, I'll make sure my boyfriend's bigger than yours. Al: Oh miss, I think you dropped something.
Nibbles: Oh.
[Bends over, showing cleavage]
Nibbles: Thank you market dweller.
Kelly Bundy: Dad? Dad? Daddy.
Al: What?
Kelly Bundy: Do you WANT anything?
Al: Why, yes, I have a strange yearning for some melons...
[Sees Marcy]
Al: and a plucked chicken.
Marcy D'Arcy: I thought I smelled shoes.
[Drives off in a limousine]
Al: [Hangs up] That was Mom, and she left us.
Bud: Mom is gone?
Al: Yeah.
Bud: Was it something I did?
Al: I don't know. Maybe. Al: [to Bud, about him solving a problem] You better! If not, I'm taking you out of the will! Wait a minute, that's no punishment... I'm putting you *in* the will! Bud: I want to be sincere with you and tell you how much this calendar means to me. Um, Crystal, I don't talk about my brother much. But, well, Judd and I... We were born Siamese twins. We shared everything, we had to. And then came that awful day when we had to go our separate ways. I went to school and Judd went into a Mason jar. We don't expect him to live very long, I mean he's not much more than an eye, a foot and some hair. But you see I made him this solemn promise that I would make him a calendar of the best damn good looking girls at Trumaine. So Crystal, if you can't do this for me, do it for that little lost boy in the Mason jar. What do you say?
[Crystal glares at him]
Bud: O.K. Bud: Parents love their children no matter what they do.
Al: Damn you, Kelly. You ate my last Hershey's Kiss. You're in the will.
Kelly: NO, DAD. NO. Peggy: I don't know what you're so upset about. They still call Carroll O'Connor "Archie". They still call that Winkie guy "The Fonz". They still call the fat girls on The Facts of Life "The Fat Girls on The Facts of Life". Marcy: Girls like that are just cheap one-night stands. You all should be developing full, trusting relationships like I have with my Jefferson, who even now is away at computer camp trying to better himelf.
Bud: Uh, Mrs. D'Arcy...
[Gestures to the TV where Al, Griff and Jefferson are mingling with blondes in bikinis]
Marcy: Road trip. Destination: Ft. Lauderdale. [a frumpy middle-aged woman walks into Al's shoe store]
Woman: I need shoes.
Al: Blacksmith's right around the corner. Marcy: Here's something you might all enjoy: a fine foreign film about a young Peruvian girl who lives in the rainforest and dreams of having a bicycle.
Al: Any hooters?
Marcy: It is a François LuMach film. He explores the mind.
Al: Well, I prefer the Joseph Zipper production of "They Exploded Out of Their Bras".
Jefferson: Marcy, you might like that one. It's a film about women.
Marcy: I want sensitivity.
Jefferson: I want killings.
Al: I want boobies.
[They all start arguing]
Al: Boobies. Boobies. Boobies. Boobies.
[Kelly comes downstairs; all but Al stop]
Al: Boobies. Boobies. Boobies. Um... Hi, Pumpkin.
Kelly: You know, I haven't heard anybody chant that word since me and my girlfriends were standing around when this old guy in this Dodge drove by... Ew, Daddy! Bud: Now, you see this crack between the stove and the wall? Every now and then I'll find, say, a fuzzy M&M. Now, you just peel the protective coating, and you've got a nice little dose of simple carbohydrates. And don't throw away that colorful shell. Makes a hearty base for soup.
Al: Well, I'll get the hanger and a little piece of gum and a-hunting we will go! Bud: Kelly, go get changed into your sleaziest dress.
Kelly: Which one? Al: What's for supper?
Peggy: Filthy pig!
Al: We had that last night. Bud: Mom, I've had a lousy day, I could really use some Motherly advice.
Peggy: Shut up Bud! Oprah's doing a show about Mothers who don't pay attention to their sons. Al: What happened Steve?
Steve: Well, Al...
Al: I'll tell you what happened Steve. Someone told women that they should start enjoying sex to. That was the beginning of the end. Now they like it, but it's work for us! Neighbor: Hey Bundy. I had steak for dinner tonight, what did you have?
Al: If I'm lucky your wife. [Al and the kids have returned from the auto auction]
Peggy: Did you buy the kids a car, Al?
Kelly: [off screen] DON'T TOUCH MY CAR! I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOUR HANDS HAVE BEEN!
Bud: [off screen] IN THAT CASE YOU SHOULDN'T BE SITTING IN IT!
Al: Yes, I did. And, as you can see, all of my worries about them fighting were unfounded.
[Looks out the window where Kelly has Bud in a headlock beating him on the head]
Al: On the upside, however, I did get them to knock off $100. Why pay for seat belts if you don't have brakes? [Al is getting readly to fix the roof]
Al: OK, whose going up with me besides Bud?
Bud: Dad, anyone who would go up on that roof with you during a lighting storm would have to be a complete idiot.
Kelly: Oh, No! I'm not going up there either.
Kelly: I'm scared; hold me, Mom.
Peggy: Once you do it though, you'll never have to do it again and there will come a time when your husband comes home smellin' like beer and wantin' some lovin'; you'll follow that fat butt up the stairs because you'll know that no matter how disgusting the next five minutes may be, it's still better than work.
Kelly: Thanks, Mom; you're so wise.
Peggy: Well, you can't sit on a couch twenty hours a day and not learn something. Marcy: Does anyone have any gestures they'd like to have known? Anything at all?
[Al gives Marcy the finger]
Marcy: I don't think that particular gesture is necessary. Al. [Al is channel surfing]
Al: Ah, "Friends". Don't have 'em, don't need 'em, sure as hell don't wanna watch 'em.
[changes the channel] Al: To put it in the words of your people, Marcy; cluck no! Bud: Where's Dad?
Peggy: In the bathroom breaking in his new toilet.
[Al walks in the living room and sits on the couch]
Peggy: How was it, honey?
Al: I don't know, Peg. I'm constipated. This is the worst day of my life. I wonder if this ever happened to Dad?
Peggy: Aww, honey. Do you want me to undercook you some chicken?
Al: No thanks, Peg. It'll take more than raw poultry to fix what's wrong with me.
[turns on TV]
TV Announcer: And now back to the rest of ABC's lineup: "Roseanne" and the Emmy winning "Thirtysomething".
[Al nods his head, picks up the newspaper and walks back into the bathroom] Steve: [Al and Steve are watching the "Video Slut" tryouts on cable access TV] Look at that one, Al! So that's what they look like before you marry them, eh?
Al: Wait a minute, that's Kelly!
Steve: Oh. You know what, Al? I really promised Marcy I'd get home in time to cut the grass.
[runs out of the room]
Al: I'm comin' to help you, pumpkin!
[leaves the room] Al: [carrying a suitcase] Well, I'm all packed for prison.
Kelly: Have a nice time, Daddy. [Marcy has forced Jefferson to go to a men's sensitivity training session]
Al: Jefferson! Good, you're right on time. The Three Stooges marathon is about to start.
Jefferson: [monotone] The Three Stooges are not funny. You know who I think is funny? That Elaine Boozler is funny.
Al: Oh my God! Those women have brainwashed him. We'll have to deprogram him!
[holds up two fingers]
Al: Quick, how many fingers am I holding up?
[pokes Jefferson in the eyes]
Jefferson: Whoa, thanks Al. They almost had me that time. Kelly: [singing] Eighty-nine bottles of beer on the wall, eighty-nine bottles of beer, if one of those bottles should happen to fall... eighty-ten bottles of beer on the wall. Al: I thought I just saw Yosemite Sam leaving our house.
Peggy: No, that was Billy Ray Bundy.
Al: Ah, school must be starting soon. Peggy: [Al has gone outside to fix the roof] Kids! Hurry, come quick!
Bud: What is it, Mom? Creditors? Should I boil some water?
Peggy: No, kids. You know how you are always complaining that your father never does anything with the family? Well, just watch that window and your father has a big surprise for us.
Peggy: Right about now; three, two, one
[Al screams and falls past the window, family laughs and claps]
Peggy: Okay, back to bed, kids.
Kelly: That was really great. You know, I'm so happy that I'm going to give Daddy his wallet back.
Bud: But, we're going to keep the money, right?
Kelly: Well, we didn't see him hit the ground. Kelly: Don't be so hard on yourself, Bud. I bet there are plenty of cool guys who sit home on Friday night watching 'Star Trek' reruns hoping to catch a glimpse of Klingon cleavage.
Bud: Let the record show that I was licking the screen in an attempt to clean it. Peggy: Now kids; you know that Daddy has worked hard on his new room and we don't want to hurt his feelings, so, nobody laugh until I do first! Al: Kelly, I know you're grown up, even though you still live at home and occasionally pick up the phone when you hear the doorbell. But, sweetheart, look, why do you think I carry your baby picture in my wallet.
Kelly: That's not me, Dad.
Bud: That's the picture that came with the wallet.
Al: Hey, when I bought this wallet, I had a choice - a little boy or a little girl. I picked the little girl. She's symbolic.
Kelly: She's Chinese, Dad!
Al: That's what I was hoping you would be!
Kelly: Oh, Daddy... I'm sorry I'm not Chinese.
Al: Oh, sweetheart, that all right, now. Kelly: Does your date mean more to you than my happiness?
Bud: A milkshake means more to me than your happiness. Al: [one of Jefferson's friends has just done the "pull my finger gag"] And I thought I ran with a cool crowd in high school. Bud: [flicking Kelly in the side of her head] Mosquito.
Kelly: [punching Bud in his stomach] Tapeworm. Reporter: Scientist are still sifting through the nuclear hole that used to be the Republic of France. Kelly: Bud, don't be a sucker all your life. Let me tell you the difference between men and women: we're liars and you're all idiots. Al: I hate those complaint boxes they put in at the mall. A woman comes in the shoe store today, so huge she's protected by 'Green Peace', and ask for a size-4 shoe. So I asked her if she wants to eat them there or take them home, and she has the nerve to complain about my performance.
Peggy: Honey, I complain about youre performance all the time... you don't care. Sometimes you don't even wake up.
Al: Well unlike sex with you Peg, this is important to me. Al: Choco cake! Choco cake! Eat so much you get a tummy ache! Bud: Hi, Kel. How'd your audition go?
Kelly: I'm so mad. Before I even got there to audition, they gave the role to another girl.
Bud: Oh, yeah, who?
Kelly: Meryl Streep. I mean what's she got that I don't have.
Bud: You mean besides the Oscar nominations, the Emmy, the Yale Drama School education and your job?
Kelly: Yeah.
Bud: Think carefully, Kel. It starts with "T".
Kelly: Shuh, I have those!
Bud: I'm talking about talent, Gump. Lucky: [after Buck gets reincarnated] Those voices sound familiar. Let's see if I can focus these new puppy dog eyes.
[sees the Bundys]
Lucky: Noooooooo! Al: [Al is explaining the auto insurance policy to Kelly] ?and because you have to always be on official farm business,
[pulls out a live chicken]
Al: this must always be in your car; hence the South Forty motto "No Chicken, No Check".
Bud: [comes through the front door] Hey, Kel
[looks at Al]
Bud: South Forty Insurance, Dad?
Al: It's a damn fine company, "The Farmer's Best Friend" next to a sheep and a tall wheat field. Al: [Marcy has appeared at the Bundy's door with a raw chicken] Congratulations, Marcy. I didn't even know you were expecting.
Marcy: [walking past Al] Peggy, my oven is on the blink. Can I use yours to warm my giblets?
Al: [to Jefferson] I thought that was your job.
Jefferson: No, my job is to stuff the bird every night. Al: [talking to Kelly on her car phone after she gets fired from the TV station] Hi, Pumpkin. No, I'm not mad. Of course you can keep the car.
[to Peg and Bud]
Al: She really is an idiot! Kelly: [trying out the new microwave] Mom! This is the third time I've pressed the popcorn button and nothing has come out.
Peggy: Well, honey, try the dinner plate. Maybe that will work.
Bud: Uh, 'Betty and Moronica'. You have to put food in the microwave to get food out.
Peggy: What good is that? Al: Leave me alone, Peg. The Bears are playing the Rams... and if you lose to the Rams, you get kicked out of the league. Al: [doorbell rings] Peg, could you get that? It's probably the 'Homeless: It Could Be Worse' Tour. [the "Psycho Dad" theme]
TV Announcer: [singing] A little touched, or so we're told/Killed his wife 'cause she had a cold/Might as well, she was gettin' old!/Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad!/He's quick with a gun!/And his job ain't done!/Killed three wives by twenty-one/He's Psycho Dad!
Al: This is why we must give to PBS.
Al: What is it, pumpkin?
Kelly: Yeah, I just got a call from the doctor. I'm dying. I have Bolivia. The doctor says it's terminus.
Al: How long do you have, pumpkin?
Kelly: Until Christmas day, and the only known cure is a good present. One from the $225-$275 price range Al: [Entering the house] Hello Morticia, Wednesday, Pugsley... Al: [with the "Nine" Commandments] It is I! With words for hard-working people who don't give a rat's ass about political correctness!