House Season One

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Unaired Pilot
This episode included 4 minutes of scenes which were edited out from the version that aired on November 16, 2004. It was released in limited number in magazines, etc. to introduce the program to the viewing audience. A web site was set up by FOX so that viewers could log on and give their opinions of the program.
Young kindergarten teacher Rebecca Adler collapses in her classroom after uncontrolled gibberish slips out of her mouth while she is about to teach students. Rebecca Adler, who suffers from seizures collapses in her classroom after uncontrolled gibberish slips out her mouth while she is about to teach her students. She is taken to Dr. House and his team of experts who identify it might be a tumor, and she might have only a week to live.
The team help a high school boy (16) who has double vision and night terrors. (Clinic Cases: Unvaccinated baby, man with boil on leg.) A 16-year old high school student, Dan, starts suffering from nightmares and frequent hallucinations, and he reveals he was hit in the head while playing lacrosse at school. Dan is apparently suffering from MS, and risky brain surgery is needed. Meanwhile House must deal with a patient looking to set up a lawsuit and a mother who doesn't believe in vaccinations.

Occam's Razor

A college boy whose low blood pressure does not respond with IV fluids piques House's curiosity. Clinic Cases: A woman who had a cold last week, man with a sore throat, woman whose leg hurts after running 6 miles, a boy and his MP3 Player. A college student collapses after rowdy sex with his girlfriend. While House and his team attempt to determine the cause, the student's condition continues to deteriorate and his symptoms multiply complicating the diagnosis.
A nightmare scenario hits Princeton Plainsboro when babies in the maternity ward are hit by a potentially fatal epidemic. Clinic Cases: Woman with a parasite! When a virus is spreading among the hospital, infecting six babies, House and his team must make decisions that could compromise the lives of the babies.
Damned If You Do
Dr. House's approach raises questions when he treats a nun for what he believes to be an allergy, not realizing that her past is coming back to haunt her. A nun whose hands are red, swollen and cracked is sent to House. The nun believes it is stigmata, but House suspects an allergic reaction. He gives her some pills, which cause her to become unable to breathe. As her condition worsens, her fellow sisters pray for her while House and his team work to discover the cause of her illness while House has to wonder if he misadministered the illness.

The Socratic Method

When it appears that Lucy Palmeiro, a schizophrenic mom with deep vein thrombosis, is lying about her alcohol intake, Dr. House is the lone voice of reason. Under the scrutiny of her hyper-vigilant teenage son, House takes Lucy off all her medication and secretly sends Foreman and Chase to search her apartment for clues. Dr. House is intrigued by the symptoms of a schizophrenic woman, who displays mixed symptoms, including a tumor, but soon realizes the source of her problems isn't the obvious. House confronts his birthday and Chase confronts his past when the mother's son tries to keep up with her condition.
A woman comes down with symptoms of African sleeping sickness, but there seems to be no way she could have contracted it. House and his aides must ask a few tough questions and make some tough decisions in order to try to save her. Two men are out jogging -- one of them returns back to his wife and discovers her dead asleep and brings her to the clinic. The doctors are puzzled by her symptoms. They consider everything from tumors to breast cancer to rabbit fever. When all the treatments fail, House concludes she has African sleeping sickness. However, neither the woman nor her husband could possibly have ever been to Africa. The woman will die without the proper treatment, but neither one will admit to having an affair.


A high school boy has hallucinations and collapses during an exam. When he does not respond to treatments, and the normal tests are negative Foreman presents the case to House. Clinic Cases: A happy old lady. When a high school student falls victim to a mysterious but lethal poisoning, House and his team jump in to find out what is killing the teen. Given a low heart rate and a clean tox screen, House sends Cameron and Foreman to the teen's home to find the hot new drug House is sure he's taking. They don't find any drugs, but think they've come up with the answers, until a second unrelated student is admitted with identical symptoms. With the boys' lives hanging in the balance, House and the team have to connect the dots – fast. Meanwhile, an 82-year-old patient has become enamored with House while he helps her figure out the basis of her renewed fascination with her sexual feelings.
A famous and paralyzed jazz musician has trouble breathing and passes out during a session, but it is his unexplained paralysis that concerns him most. The team's job is made more complicated by a DNR order that House thinks is a mistake. Clinic Cases: A diabetic man in denial. Legendary jazz musician John Henry Giles is checked into the hospital and when he's told he's dying from ALS, he signs a DNR to avoid a slow death. House disagrees with the diagnosis and goes against everyone's wishes when he violates the DNR to save Giles' life. The decision lands House in court, drives Foreman to consider taking another job, and results in Giles' paralysis worsening. But when the patient inexplicably starts getting better, the team has to figure out the mystery in reverse and find out why his condition is improving. Meanwhile, Dr. Foreman meets with an old friend who offers him a West Coast partnership.


A homeless woman collapses at an illegal rave house. Foreman blows off the consult that Wilson asks for, and House is intrigued by Foreman's and Wilson's reactions. Clinic Cases: A mother with lots of kids; House pretends to be ill so he ends up teaching med students about taking histories. Dr. Foreman believes an uncooperative homeless woman is faking seizures to get a meal ticket at the teaching hospital. But her homelessness strikes a personal chord with Dr. Wilson and he grows determined to keep her from falling between the cracks. Her worsening symptoms prove to be a complex mystery for House and his team, but the mystery of her identity and medical history may hold the answers to saving her life. Just as the team suspects she has contagious meningitis, the woman goes missing, only to be tasered by the police, who bring her back. But House deduces the taser may have proven yet another diagnosis, with dire results. Meanwhile, House has an audience of two medical students who are learning how to do case studies.
A girl crashes a Porsche after her boyfriend starts coughing up blood and continues to have unexplained bleeds. Clinic Cases: Cuddy give House a month off clinic duties if he can spend a week off his pain meds. While trying to figure out why a young patient won't stop bleeding after a car wreck, House takes Cuddy's challenge and goes off Vicodin for a week in exchange for no clinic duty for a month. If House and his team can't determine the source of his patient's blood loss, the 16-year-old car victim will die in a matter of days. As House's withdrawal symptoms become more and more severe, his patient directives for his patient are more harsh and risky than usual, and Foreman and Cameron are afraid he may not be thinking clearly enough to save the patient's life.

Sports Medicine

A detoxed sports star about to make his comeback breaks his arm due to brittle bones. Clinic Cases: Woman with leg pain; man trying to remove his contact lenses; a dentist with various issues and a hung over teenager; all in 70 seconds. A severely broken arm reveals a bizarre case of bone loss and ends the comeback plans of major league pitcher Hank Wiggen. House suspects Hank – with a history of drug abuse – is lying about using steroids, as his condition worsens. When Hank's kidneys start to fail, his wife offers to donate hers, but she would have to abort her early pregnancy. Forced into an impossible solution, and admitting failure as an addict, Hank tries to take his own life. House and his team must isolate and fix the problem soon if this pitcher's life, as well his career, can be saved. Meanwhile, Foreman dates a pharmaceutical representative and House is stuck with two tickets and ends up going on a "date" with a monster truck rally.
A young boy has a fever for over a week after a Ouija board predicts he will die. Clinic Cases: Chase's case of a man with numb fingers. A 12-year-old boy believes he's cursed after a Ouija board tells him he's going to die, and his father makes increasing demands on House as they try to diagnose the boy's pneumonia-like symptoms and incongruous rash. Meanwhile, Chase's estranged father, a renowned doctor from Australia, visits and House invites him to sit in, much to Chase's discomfort. When House diagnoses the boy's illnees, the young patient is forced to face the idea that his father may not be everything he believes.


Could House save a high powered female executive from the same problem that left him in constant pain? A new head of the hospital board could cause problems. Clinic Cases: A boy and his mute dad. Billionaire entrepreneur Edward Vogler spends $100 million on the clinic and becomes the new Chairman of the Board. As a businessman, Vogler intends to turn the clinic into a profitable venue for his biotech venture and plans to eliminate the financially draining services of Dr. House. Meanwhile, a businesswoman who has it all – perfect life, perfect body, perfect job – finds herself inexplicably paralyzed. When he diagnoses her secret, House must risk his job and his medical license to get her a necessary transplant.
Mob Rules
A Mob informer collapses before trial. Is he faking or is he really in a coma? Clinic Cases: A pair of brothers come in when the youngster gets toys stuck up his nose. Just before mobster Joey Arnello spills the beans in federal court and enters witness protection, he collapses. Is he faking? A court order instructs House to find out – and fast. House and his team struggle to diagnose and cure Joey while Joey's brother Bill tries to slow things down and keep Joey from testifying. Meanwhile, Cuddy struggles to convince Vogler that House is an essential part of the hospital.


A morbidly obese ten-year-old girl has a heart attack, and her mother insists that House and his team look past her weight to find the diagnosis. Meanwhile, Vogler pressures House to fire a member of his staff. Clinic Patients: Unidentified man with an infected pierced scrotum; overweight woman with a 30-pound tumor on her ovaries who refuses to have it removed, because she worries she will be unattractive. House must fire one of his doctors and leaves them to think about it while they deal with an overweight 10-year old child who suffered a heart attack as the result of taking diet pills. House is also faced with a woman who won't accept surgery for a 30 lb. tumor because she wants to remain overweight.
Role Model
House treats a Black presidential candidate, whom House is convinced has AIDS, but the Senator's passion convinces him otherwise. Also, Vogler forces House to give a speech endorsing a new drug from Vogler's company, but House has plans of his own. At a high-level campaign fundraiser, a senator becomes violently ill. Vogler forces House to take the senator's case and offers to let off the hook on firing a team member if he'll deliver a speech on behalf of Vogler's pharmaceutical company. It looks like the senator has AIDS but House refuses to settle for the easy answer. And House ends up giving the speech, but it doesn't go quite as Vogler planned.

Babies & Bathwater

While House and his team scramble to discover what's causing brain and kidney dysfunction in a pregnant woman, Vogler is on the warpath to get House fired. While House and his team scramble to discover what's causing brain and kidney dysfunction in a pregnant woman, Vogler is working to get House fired after House's pharmaeutical speech. House determines the illness, but the woman and her husband must struggle with an emotional and heartbreaking choice: choose between her or that of her unborn child. Vogler calls for a vote to remove House, but when Wilson refuses to make the vote unanimous, Vogler threatens to take his money if Wilson isn't voted out. Finally, Cuddy must take a stand against Vogler.
During a meningitis outbreak which overwhelms the clinic, House is drawn to a single patient: a 12-year-old competitive diver whose symptoms don't quite match everyone else's. During an meningitis outbreak which overwhelms the clinic, House is drawn to a single patient: a 12-year-old whose symptoms don't quite match everyone else's. House, Foreman, and Chase must devise ingenious ways and locations to treat the girl's delicate condition in the middle of the chaos, and make an unexpected discovery. Meanwhile, House asks Cameron to come back to her job but she has one requirement that he might not be able to meet.

Love Hurts

House apparently triggers a stroke in a clinic patient, but the major topic of discussion is House's imminent date with Cameron. The team must deal with the patient's odd lifestyle, overbearing "friend", and reluctant parents in order to stop the strokes and try to save his life. House apparently triggers a stroke in a clinic patient, but the major topic of discussion is House's imminent date with Cameron, The team must deal with the patient's odd lifestyle, overbearing "friend," and reluctant parents in order to stop the strokes and try to save his life. Meanwhile, Wilson, Cuddy and the team offer House and Cameron advice while laying odds on the outcome.
Three Stories
House's ex Stacy Warner asks him to treat her husband. House takes over a diagnostics class for a day and presents the class with three case studies of leg pain. As House tells his story and the class gradually fills up with listeners, the class learns a lot about how to be better doctors, and Chase, Foreman and Cameron learn some important details of House's past. House's ex-girlfriend Stacy Warner returns – not for House but to get help for her ailing husband. While House decides whether or not to take her case, Cuddy forces him to present a lecture to a class of medical students. As he weaves the stories of three patients who all present with a similar symptom, House gives a lecture the students will never forget.
The Honeymoon
House doses his ex-girlfriend's husband in order to get him into hospital after she begs House to treat him. Is House treating Mark differently in order to get back at Stacy for his leg? When Stacy insists her husband Mark get tests, House insists he can handle things. But despite the fact Mark's tests prove negative, his steadily growing symptoms indicate he is dying. While House struggles with the mystery and makes increasing demands on his staff, Wilson worries about House's emotional well-being, and Cuddy considers adding a new employee to the clinic.

House Season Two

House treats a patient on death row while Dr. Cameron avoids telling a patient she has a terminal illness. A death row inmate is felled by an unknown disease and House decides to take on the case, over Cuddy and Foreman's objections. House also has to deal with Stacy who is working closely with him, while Cameron has to cope with a dying patient.
A very brave and mature 9-year-old girl has terminal cancer, but that is not what the problem seems to be. Dr. Wilson convinces House to take the case of one of his patients, a young girl with terminal cancer who starts suffering from hallucinations.
Humpty Dumpty
Cuddy joins the team after her handyman falls off of her roof and begins to develop bizarre symptoms. An asthmatic man suddenly becomes unconscious and falls off of Dr. Cuddy's roof while working on her house.
TB or Not TB
A doctor champions against the epidemic of TB in Africa, possibly at the risk of his own life. While in Africa, a famous doctor becomes inexplicably ill and is sent to Dr. House for treatment.

Daddy's Boy

The team takes care of a student with inexplicable electrical shocks, and House's parents visit. A Princeton student who is graduating suffers a seizure while partying at a frat house. House's parents also drop by to see their son.
A professional bicycle racer collapses at a meet, and the team must come up with a different cause after the patient admits to using drugs. House and Stacy continue sparring with each other. A professional bicyclist is brought in after collapsing during a race, but House doesn't want to treat him because he thinks the athlete is taking performance-enhancing drugs. House only becomes interested when the patient admits to taking the drugs.
After being accused of assaulting a sick man, House is forced to take on his case. However, despite the fact that he has AIDS, it's clearly not what's killing him. A gay man with full-blown AIDS collapses in front of House's home and goes into shock. When House discovers the man's father is suffering from symptoms of his own, he must determine if they might be connected and save both their lives. Meanwhile, Cameron faces a potentially life-threatening disease of her own.
The Mistake
Chaos ensues after Chase's negligence leads to the death of a female patient. Now, after an inquiry from the hospital board, and a subpoena from the patient's brother, it's up to Stacey to protect Chase's career, as well as House's. House and Chase find themselves in a serious situation after a young mother with stomach pains dies. Months later, Stacy counsels Chase prior to his disciplinary hearing, and must determine whether Chase made a mistake that ultimately led to the patient's death. She soon realizes he is holding something back.


A woman collapses at an off-track betting parlor in front of House, and he must battle his new boss to find her diagnosis. With Foreman as House's supervisor, the team must figure out if a woman who cried wolf too many times is really ill.
Failure to Communicate
When a famous writer is brought in with language difficulties, House must assist via phone while waiting for a delayed plane. While attending his editor's retirement party, a journalist collapses and hits his head on a desk. When he regains consciousness, his sentences are garbled and incoherent, so he is rushed to Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. With House and Stacy stranded at an airport due to bad weather, the team is forced to solve the case with House helping out over the phone.
Need to Know
House and the team must determine what is causing an increasingly deceitful patient's muscle flailing. Stacy makes a decision, and Cameron avoids a test. While House's staff tries to diagnose a woman whose uncontrollable muscle flailing caused her to crash her car, House and Stacy try to resolve their relationship issues once and for all. Cameron refuses to take her HIV test, wary of the results.
A patient with 40% body burns and inexplicable cardiac and neurological signs is treated by the team, while House pursues disproving an old enemy's medical study. While a severely burned teenager is admitted and his blood tests come back with strange results, House makes himself the guinea pig in his own unofficial tests of a new drug designed to treat migraines to prove a former medical school colleague is wrong about the drug.

Skin Deep

The search for the cause of a supermodel's symptoms causes intense feelings among the team, as new facts are revealed. Meanwhile, House experiences increasing pain in his leg. House uncovers a startling secret when he treats a teenage supermodel for heroin addiction. Meanwhile, Wilson hopes the increased leg pain in House's leg is an indication his leg nerves are regenerating.
Sex Kills
House and the team struggle to diagnose one patient in order to save another. House takes the case of a man who experienced a seizure but wasn't aware it happened. When the man suffers a heart attack and needs a heart transplant, the team races to diagnose a dead woman's illness so they can harvest her heart to save their living patient.
House and the team must track down what's causing a swinging couple's husband's tongue to swell when all test keep returning normal, and Wilson experience close-up what living with House is like. House believes a woman is trying to kill her husband and tries to find the proof to confirm his suspicions. When Wilson moves in with House after separating from his wife, he learns Wilson is a great cook.
6 months after a teenage girl crushes her chest in a car accident and receives a heart transplant she goes into anaphalactic shock in her clean room bedroom after her boyfriend kisses her. Melinda, a troubled teenage girl who is immuno-compromised as a result of the medications she must take after a heart transplant, has a severe allergic reaction and goes into shock when her boyfriend visits her. Meanwhile, House and Wilson continue to work out the problems in their new living arrangement.
All In
On a class field trip, a teacher discovers that her five-year-old student Ian is bleeding profusely. Dr. House thinks Ian has the same unknown disease that killed an elderly patient of his years ago. When a six-year-old boy is brought in with the same symptoms as another patient who died years ago under House's care, House believes the cases are identical and he can predict the course of the boy's illness. Meanwhile, the clinic hosts a poker night to benefit the oncology department.

Sleeping Dogs Lie

The relationship between a liver donor and the intended recipient throws the team into an ethical quandary. House has to work fast when a woman comes in with a life-threatening case of insomnia. Meanwhile Cameron is angry at Foreman for stealing an article she worked on.
House vs. God
House takes on a teenage faith healer, Wilson desperately wants into a poker game, and tensions escalate between Cameron and Foreman. House treats a 15 year old faith healer, while Wilson feels left out when he finds out House isn't planning on inviting him to his weekly poker game.
Euphoria: Part 1
A police officer in critical condition has bizarre symptoms, and Dr. Foreman finds himself in an unpleasant situation. When a police officer with a gunshot wound to the head and uncontrollable laughter is admitted, House and the team are baffled. When Foreman begins showing the same symptoms, they race to determine the cause of the illness before Foreman's condition takes the same path.
Euphoria: Part 2
House tries radical procedures to save Foreman's life. Foreman's father visits. Foreman continues to experience the same progression of symptoms as the police officer. When he realizes he may be facing imminent death, he calls his father who comes to his son's side. As it comes down to a race against time, House believes the solution to the illness is in the police officer's apartment.
House and the team try to save the lives of a young mother and her newborn son. Foreman struggles to regain normalcy in his life. A young mother has a seizure while bathing her newborn son and nearly drowns him. House and the team have two cases at one time as they try to save the infant and determine the cause of the mother's seizures.

Who's Your Daddy?

House's ex-band mate Crandall brings in a teenage girl who is having hallucinations about Hurricane Katrina. Cuddy looks for a sperm donor. A 16-year-old Hurricane Katrina victim suffering from hallucinations as a result of the tragedy is brought to House by his former bandmate who recently found out the girl is his daughter. Although House fears his friend is being scammed, he takes the case. As he works his way through the girl's lies so he can diagnose and treat her, he's forced to tell a few lies of his own.
No Reason
An old patient of House comes back and seeks revenge upon him in the form of gunshot. As House and his team are working on the diagnosis of a man with a giant, swollen tongue, the husband of a former patient walks into House's office and shoots him. House continues to treat his patient from his ICU hospital bed with the shooter, who has been shot by hospital security and hand-cuffed to his bed, as his roommate. When the after-effects of the shooting begin to impact House, he starts to question his own ability to diagnose properly. As his patient's body deteriorates, House struggles through his self-doubt and must trust his team to find a way to solve the case.

House Season Three

Richard, a husband and father living with brain cancer, drives his wheelchair into a pool at a family BBQ. Everyone but his son think that it was suicide from the pain but House will stop at nothing to figure out his true ailment. After recovering from his gunshot wounds, House works feverishly on two cases at the same time: a paralyzed man who drove his wheelchair into a swimming pool and a woman who became paralyzed after a yoga session.
Cane and Able
Clancy, a 7 year old boy, who believes he is being tortured by aliens comes to the hospital because of rectal bleeding. When House, who thinks he did not solve his last case and it's affecting him physically, finds a metal object in his neck where Clancy claims a chip has been planted and when a cell with different DNA is found, the team has to give his alien theory more credit. But House's humiliation from his last case and worsening leg pain cause him to back out, forcing Cuddy, who lied to House about curing his last patient, to rethink her decision to withhold the information. House and the team treat a young boy who claims there is a tracking device in his neck and believes he has been the subject of alien experimentation. Cameron is outraged when she learns Cuddy and Wilson have been lying to House about the diagnosis on his last case.

Informed Consent

Ezra Powell, a renowned pioneer in the field of medical research, collapses in his lab. House is struggling after the ketamine treatment wore off and doesn't want to talk about it. When the team put Ezra through rigorous diagnostic tests and don't come up with anything conclusive Ezra demands the team to help him end his life. Now the team goes through twists and turns of the moral dilemma of ignoring his wishes or to assist in his suicide and abide by Ezra's wishes. House puts a well-known medical researcher through a battery of tests to determine why he collapsed in his lab. When the team is unable to diagnose the problem, the doctor asks the team to help him end his life. House is forced to use his cane again after the ketamine has worn off as he deals with a clinic patient's teenaged daughter who has a crush on him.
Lines in the Sand
A ten-year-old boy begins screaming in pain, but nobody knows why, because he is autistic and cannot explain. House refuses to use his office. Cuddy does not know why, because he is House and will not explain. When doctors are unable to diagnose why a severely autistic boy screams loudly for no apparent reason, House takes the case. As the boy's condition worsens, it becomes obvious that House relates to the boy because he has no social niceties.
Fools for Love
A husband and wife being treated cause Foreman to ponder the strength of true love, and House abuses one too many patients with potentially devastating repercussions. House takes the case of a young woman who has been rushed to the hospital with problems breathing and severe stomach pain after she and her husband were robbed. After her husband collapses, the team believes the couple's illnesses are related. Meanwhile, Michael Tritter, a clinic patient, causes problems for House that could have serious ramifications.

Que Será Será

A "suicidally" obese man in a coma presents treatment challenges, but finding out what's wrong with him may be the most challenging test of all. Elsewhere, Tritter ramps up his vendetta against House. The team encounters logistical problems while trying to run tests on a 600-pound man due to his extremely large size. Meanwhile, House spends the night in jail after being arrested by Detective Tritter for various charges, including resisting arrest.
Son of Coma Guy
When the son of a man in a vegetative state starts going into a coma, the vegetative man is reawakened chemically by House, who hopes to get some clues to the son's problems. House decides to awaken a comatose patient so he can question the man regarding the family history of his son, who may have a genetic condition and the father is the only living relative. Meanwhile, Wilson confronts House about the stolen prescription pad as Tritter approaches Cameron, Chase, and Foreman in an attempt to divide the team and reveal their loyalties.
A young man collapses at his job, and House makes a game of establishing the diagnosis until things turn critical, and Tritter increases the pressure on Wilson. An 18-year-old teenager is brought to the hospital after having a heart attack. House reviews the boy's file and believes he has the diagnosis. He then turns the case into a game by sealing his opinion in an envelope and challenging Cameron, Foreman, and Chase to guess House's diagnosis on their own. Meanwhile, Tritter's actions against Wilson continue to strain the oncologist's relationship with House and destroy his ability to practice medicine.

Finding Judas

While a little girl's life and limbs are in jeopardy, Tritter becomes more manipulative and House suffers withdrawal. House takes the case of a young girl who has been diagnosed with pancreitis. When he takes her divorced parents to court to force them to allow treatment because they can't agree, the judge awards guardianship of the girl to Cuddy. Meanwhile, Tritter continues his strategy to force House to admit to his drug use by offering one of the team members a deal.
Merry Little Christmas
Wilson presents the deal to House and then convinces Cuddy to back him up, meanwhile the team is flummoxed by a patient's condition and various members keep seeking out House for his opinion even though he may not be prepared to assist. Wilson arranges for House to make a deal with Tritter, but House refuses. Meanwhile, Cuddy cuts House off Vicodin and removes him from the team's case: a 15-year-old little person who entered the hospital with a collapsed lung and anemia.
Words and Deeds
House checks himself into rehab just before his trial, but a different game entirely may be afoot. Elsewhere, the team attempts to treat a firefighter who can't stop shivering. House splits his time between treating a firefighter for uncontrollable shivering, giving Tritter a piece of his mind, and handling his trial for forging prescriptions.
One Day, One Room
Stuck with clinic duty, House almost wishes he had the boring patients back after he encounters a young woman with an STD and the need to talk. While House is forced to work full-time in the clinic and deal with a rape victim who insists on confiding with him, Cameron deals with a terminal cancer patient trying to take advantage of her state of mind.

Needle in a Haystack

A young man is stricken during sex with his girlfriend, and House must determine why his organs are suddenly shutting down. Finding the cause is like looking for a needle in a haystack. House and his staff must deal with a teenage Gypsy boy suffering from inexplicable respiratory distress. However, House has bigger issues on his mind: Cuddy has given away his handicapped spot.
On Valentine's day House meddles in relationships as he works to diagnose a teenager who has a genetic inability to feel pain. It's Valentine's Day, and Cuddy has a blind date. Meanwhile, House leaves ER duty to take the case of a child patient named Hannah.
House struggles to find out why a pianist savant is losing his ability to play. Ultimately, a decision must be made as to how much brain is necessary for a normal quality of life. House encounters a brain-damaged musical prodigy with inexplicable abilities while the team faces serious concerns about House's own health.
Top Secret
A patient whose relative has called in a favor with Cuddy presents with nonspecific minor symptoms that turn life-threatening, but House is distracted by a dream and an inability to urinate. The ex-Marine that saved House's life, in a dream he had, is admitted in the hospital with symptoms resembling Gulf War Syndrome. While House is busy dealing with his own health issues, and Chase and Cameron are too busy with each other, the ex-Marine gets worse.

Fetal Position

When a pregnant woman has a stroke, the team is at a loss after all tests reveal nothing, but when her organs start shutting down Cuddy takes over the case. A famous celebrity photographer suffers from a stroke while being pregnant at her early forties. House and his team have to deal with a great dilemma, save the mother or her unborn child.
House and Cuddy are flying back to the US from an international conference in Singapore. While en route a mysterious disease strikes one passenger and an epidemic unfolds, causing House to diagnose in midair since they have missed the halfway mark by passing the north pole. Back in Princeton, Wilson and House's lackeys have a confusing case of what is ailing a woman who came into the clinic and proceeded to have a seizure.
Act Your Age
A young girl is ailed with diseases that usually strike people much older than her 6 years of age. But before House can diagnose her, her brother starts exhibiting the same symptoms she was admitted with. During all of this House gives Wilson tickets that a patient had given to him for a play. Ensuing a discussion on why men take women to plays. Wilson decides to take Cuddy and the tug of war with House for her affections begins, although Cuddy insists that she only went with Wilson as a friend.
House Training
The cause of a woman's TIA stumps the team, and Foreman's family visits. The doctors try to find what's wrong with a scam artist who collapses after her brain "freezes," but the case becomes personal for Foreman.
Wilson is preparing his 14-year-old patient, Nick, for a bone marrow transplant when the donor, Nick's younger brother Matty, suddenly starts sneezing. Since Nick's immune system has been destroyed by the chemotherapy for his cancer, he cannot risk a marrow donation from Matty while Matty is ill. House decides that the fastest way to find out what's wrong with Matty is to make him worse. As the boys get sicker and sicker, House and his team race to cure Matty before both brothers die. Meanwhile, House battles Hector (his newly adopted dog) for supremacy and Foreman can't stop thinking about last week's mistake.


A 19-year-old college student, Addie, starts coughing up blood during karate class and ends up one of House's cases. Foreman hands in his resignation before treating the woman and refuses to explain why. Although her symptoms show no signs of it, House is convinced that an infection is causing Addie's bleeding. Her lungs start filling with fluid and House's team believes a toxin or cancer is to blame for Addie's illness but are unable to change House's mind. Addie continues to get worse and House wants to do an extremely risky life-or-death treatment in order to confirm his diagnosis; the team starts to ask whether House cares about making a diagnosis more than Addie's own life. Meanwhile, House becomes interested in Honey, a young, attractive nutritionist who brought her boyfriend to the clinic for treatment. He gets her to fill out an employment application (for Foreman's soon-to-be vacated position) and arranges to meet her again in a more casual situation.
The Jerk
When a teenage chess-player assaults his opponent, the team struggles to determine whether the problem is organic or psychological. House treats a 16-year-old chess prodigy who gets everyone on the team annoyed with his behavior. Foreman is upset with House because he thinks his boss sabotaged his job interview with another hospital.
Human Error
A couple risk their lives getting from Cuba to see House, but his preoccupation with staff issues may cost the woman her life. A Cuban couple attempt to get to America by raft... to see House about the wife's heart condition. But when she gets worse House wonders if someone on his staff messed up. Meanwhile Foreman prepares to leave and his departure threatens to shake up the entire team.

House Season Four

House is off his game without the team, and Wilson uses an extreme tactic to force him into interviews. With his diagnostic team gone, House tries to diagnose a young woman who survived an office building collapse. With the condition getting worse, Cuddy puts pressure on House to hire a new team, but instead attempts a differential diagnosis with help from the janitor.
The Right Stuff
House is forced to choose a new staff... and gathers 40 applicants to start narrowing down the field. Meanwhile, an Air Force pilot wants House to treat her secretly so she doesn't ruin her chances of becoming an astronaut. House is secretly trying to treat a fighter pilot who is a candidate for NASA's astronaut training program. Her diagnosis will be the test to choose which ones of the 40 applicants are going to take the empty spots in his team.

97 Seconds

Down to 10 candidates for his team, House splits them into 2 groups to diagnose a patient whose short lifespan has been made even shorter. Foreman leads his own team to diagnose a patient at his new workplace. The candidates are now two teams of five women and five men, competing on diagnosing and treating a wheelchair-bound man. Meanwhile House does experiments on himself to test what happens after death, and Foreman, at another hospital, is treating his team in a House-like manner.
Guardian Angels
A woman seeing her dead mother stumps the recruits, especially once she begins seeing a recent victim. House finds that some of his own fellowship students will do whatever it takes, when they deal with a woman who believes she can talk to the dead.

Mirror Mirror

A victim of a mugging presents with neurological symptoms and begins to mirror the behaviors of his doctors. Foreman joins the new fellows in seeking a diagnosis; Cameron and Chase takes bets on who House will fire next. House deals with a patient who mirrors the personality of anyone he meets. Meanwhile, Foreman is put in charge of overseeing the fellowship candidates.
Whatever It Takes
House is taken by black helicopter to help diagnose a dying CIA agent, leaving Foreman in charge of the team trying to find out why a young woman passed out after a drag car race. Based on practically no information and no medical history about a mystery patient sent by the CIA, House is using some unorthodox methods to diagnose and treat him. Meanwhile the remaining candidates are questioning Foreman's judgment.


House and his team are hampered by a reality television crew whilst battling over possible diagnoses for a craniofacial surgery patient. A film crew and the candidates are following around House distracting him while he is trying to diagnose a teenager who suffers from a heart attack prior to a serious plastic surgery.
You Don't Want to Know
A magician's heart stops during a performance. At first House dismisses the case, but later changes his mind when complications arise. House has a contest to determine the next one to leave the team. House treats a magician but comes to believe he's faking illness to cover up his own incompetence. Meanwhile, House pits the fellows against each other in his version of an immunity challenge.


House treats a rock musician, and some of the candidates have to get past their personal biases, Wilson misdiagnoses a patient, and the winners are named. Under Cuddy’s pressure to choose his team, House gives the candidates a case of a former punk rock star who is a drug user. Whoever diagnoses the patient is going to have a future as a member of House’s team.

Quotes Of House

Dr. Cameron: Men should grow up.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. And dogs should stop licking themselves. It's not gonna happen.
Dr. Wilson: Beauty often seduces us on the road to truth.
Dr. Gregory House: And triteness kicks us in the nads.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I think your argument is specious.
Dr. Gregory House: I think your tie is ugly.
Dr. Wilson: That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality.
Dr. Gregory House: Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain.
Dr. Gregory House: Perseverance does not equal worthiness. Next time you want to get my attention, wear something fun. Low-riding jeans are hot.
Dr. Wilson: [Wilson is quoting a poem from a patient of House's] 'The healer with his magic powers! / I could rub his gentle brow for hours. / His manly chest, his stubbled jaw, / Everything about him leaves me raw-'
Dr. Gregory House: Psych ward's upstairs.
Dr. Wilson: -with joy. Oh, House your very name / Will never leave this girl the same.' It's not bad for an 82-year-old. She asked me to give that to her true love.
Dr. Gregory House: What can I say? Chicks with no teeth turn me on.
Dr. Wilson: That's fairly disgusting.
Dr. Gregory House: That's ageism.
Dr. Wilson: You better watch yourself around this babe.
Dr. Gregory House: A patient comes because she's sleeping 16 hours a day, and it takes ten doctors and a coma to diagnose sleeping sickness.
Dr. Gregory House: [in Cuddy's office with Foreman] Hey! He knows more homeless people than any of us!
[to Foreman]
Dr. Gregory House: Go check out the hood, Dog.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [approaching with two young-looking female interns] Dr. House!
Dr. Gregory House: Time for Girl Scout cookies already?
Dr. Wilson: Get me some Thin Mints.
Dr. Gregory House: You can think I'm wrong, but that's no reason to quit thinking.
Dr. Gregory House: You bastard. You invited my parents to dinner.
Dr. Wilson: Geez, Cameron's got a big mouth.
Dr. Gregory House: Ha! Not as big as yours.
Dr. Wilson: Hey, you used me to avoid seeing your parents.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, what do you care?
Dr. Wilson: I don't. I just thought it might be interesting to find out why.
Dr. Gregory House: You could have just asked.
Dr. Wilson: You would have lied.
Dr. Gregory House: And you would have believed me. Which would have kept us both happy. Do you want your money back, is that what this is about?
Dr. Wilson: No! Wait, what? Have you got the money?
[House starts to write check]
Dr. Wilson: If you have the money, then why did you need the loan?
Dr. Gregory House: I didn't. I just wanted to see if you'd give it to me. I've been borrowing increasing amounts ever since you lent me forty dollars a year ago. A little experiment to see where you'd draw the line.
Dr. Wilson: You're - you're trying to objectively measure how much I value our friendship?
Dr. Gregory House: That's five grand, you've got nothing to be ashamed of. So what do you say, one little phone call, one big check?
Dr. Wilson: Fine.
[takes check]
Dr. Wilson: Thanks.
[gets in car]
Dr. Wilson: Now, be a grownup and either tell mommy and daddy you don't want to see them or I'm picking you up at 7:00 for dinner.
Dr. Gregory House: What do you mean? You just said...
Dr. Wilson: I lied. I've been lying to you in increasing amounts ever since I told you you look good unshaved a year ago. It's a little experiment, you know, to see where you'd draw the line.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cameron, after she assists a patient's suicide] I'm proud of you.
[Cameron is in the lab working on some equipment]
Dr. Gregory House: Mixing up some margaritas? Mine's a double, Senorita. That's Portuguese you know.
Dr. Cameron: [too quietly] Spanish.
Dr. Gregory House: Uh-oh. What's going on?
Dr. Cameron: I'm re-calibrating the centrifuge.
Dr. Gregory House: Turn around.
[she's been crying]
Dr. Gregory House: It's a very sad thing, an un-calibrated centrifuge. It makes me cry too.
Dr. Cameron: I'm not crying.
Dr. Gregory House: Ok.
Dr. Cameron: ...When I was in college, I... I fell in love, and I got married. And...
Dr. Gregory House: At that age the chances of a marriage lasting...
Dr. Cameron: It lasted six months. Thyroid cancer metastasized to his brain. There was nothing they could do. I was 21, and I watched my husband die.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm sorry,
Dr. Gregory House: but that's not the whole story. It's a symptom, not your illness. Thyroid cancer would have been diagnosed at least a year before his death, you knew he was dying when you married him. Must have been when you first met him; and you married him anyway. You can't be that good a person and well adjusted.
Dr. Cameron: Why?
Dr. Gregory House: Because you wind up crying over centrifuges.
Dr. Cameron: Or hating people?
Dr. Wilson: I am so tired of this.
Dr. Wilson: Did you know that the new nurse from cardiology is sleeping with that weird lawyer from the board?
Dr. Gregory House: The guy with eleven fingers?
Dr. Wilson: He has eleven fingers?
Dr. Gregory House: How do you not notice that?
Dr. Wilson: The nurse used to be a man.
Dr. Gregory House: [guessing] She's not anymore.
Dr. Wilson: But we can't talk about that.
Dr. Gregory House: I thought we were.
Dr. Wilson: We were supposed to talk about that. I came here to talk about that, but on the way up, I ran into Cameron. You've got a CIPA patient.
Dr. Gregory House: [thinks] ... tranny nurse is more interesting.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, it's WAY more interesting. But instead, I've gotta be your damn conscience. I'm tired of being your conscience. I don't enjoy being your conscience...
Dr. Gregory House: No one enjoys it...
Dr. Wilson: You're studying her.
Dr. Gregory House: She's actually sick.
Dr. Wilson: Which you found out after you took her on.
Dr. Gregory House: I was curious. Since I'm not a cat, that's not dangerous.
Dr. Wilson: I don't think that metaphor was designed to actually warn cats. You don't care about her illness, you care about CIPA - which means your focus is gonna be on getting your answers, not hers.
Dr. Gregory House: Thank you. Forewarned is forearmed.
Dr. Wilson: What do you think you're gonna figure out? You think... her lack of pain is somehow the answer to your pain.
Dr. Gregory House: I think... if you'd stop talking to Cameron, then right now we could be ranking nurses in order of doability.
Dr. Gregory House: Ah, the Socratic Method. The best way we have of teaching everything-apart from juggling chainsaws.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Not for long, he wants to be discharged!
Dr. Gregory House: Of course he does. Places to go, people to eat!
Lola: He drops clean urine, denies using steroids, and you're giving him a drug for what, steroid abuse?
Dr. Gregory House: No, no, it's not. No, it's got calcium in it. It's very good for the bones. Basically, at a molecular level, it's just milk.
[Lola leaves]
Dr. Gregory House: How long do you figure before I get a call from Cuddy?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You put him on Lupron?
Dr. Gregory House: Uh-huh.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: And you told them it was like milk?
Dr. Gregory House: Yes.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Is there any way in which that is not a lie?
Dr. Gregory House: It's creamy.
Dr. Gregory House: Fine. I'll ask one of my other friends.
Dr. Wilson: Huh...
Dr. Gregory House: What? You're saying I've only got one friend?
Dr. Wilson: Uh... and... who...?
Dr. Gregory House: Kevin. In bookkeeping.
Dr. Wilson: Okay, well, first of all, his name's Karl...
Dr. Gregory House: I call him Kevin. It's his secret friendship club name.
Dr. Gregory House: [Looking at a comic drawn by a patient, using clues to figure out her identity] Philadelphia. Look at that skyline. It's very evocative. The Chrysler Building.
Dr. Eric Foreman: That's a cloud.
Dr. Cameron: And the Chrysler Building's in New York.
Dr. Gregory House: Eh, I'm getting Philly. And that cactus, well, that's a smashed car? Car accident!
Dr. Cameron: A cactus in Philly?
Dr. Gregory House: Water?
[to Wilson]
Dr. Gregory House: Well, water's October, right?
Dr. Wilson: Obviously.
Dr. Gregory House: The page number's 22, so that's October 2nd, 2002. Ergo, the patient was in a car accident two years ago last October.
Dr. Wilson: My goodness, was she okay?
Dr. Gregory House: Broke her arm. I think they fixed it, with this
[holds up surgical pin from the patient's arm]
Dr. Gregory House: . Surgical pin. Better than a wallet. Serial number, in case of recall, tied to a patient's name.
Dr. Wilson: [to House] Trying to win Stacy back by killing an animal. Very caveman.
Dr. Eric Foreman: This is definitely different.
Dr. Robert Chase: [looking at a photograph of House] It looks almost like...
Dr. Cameron: ...He's caring.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Somebody's gotta be Cuddy's Cuddy.
Dr. Gregory House: Chase loves me. And isn't Turkish.
Dr. Wilson: No, Cameron loves you. Chase loves his job.
Dr. Gregory House: How was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?
Dr. Gregory House: [to EMT guy who has just tried to give directions] You wanted to be a doctor, maybe you should have buckled down a little more in high school.
Stacy Warner: If I thought you were capable of listening, I'd shut up.
Dr. Gregory House: That makes no sense at all.
Dr. Gregory House: Nobel invented dynamite. I won't accept his blood money.
Dr. Gregory House: J'ever notice, how all the self-sacrificing women in history, Joan of Arc, Mother Teresa... can't think of any others, they all die alone? The men, on the other hand, get so much fuzz it's crazy.
Dr. Wilson: It's an unfair world.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: If you would consider going to a shrink, I would pay for it myself. The hospital would hold a bake sale, for God's sake.
Dr. Gregory House: [hearing serious news about patient on phone] Check it again. I'll be right there.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What happened?
Dr. Gregory House: Apparently I can save money by switching to another long-distance carrier.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, there's the fever that Cameron was looking for.
Dr. Cameron: We knew if it was myelitis there had to be an -itis. This must be the infection that set it off.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. Except in this universe effect follows cause. I've complained about it, but...
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yeah, you're all about nurturing.
Dr. Gregory House: Do you need a hug?
Dr. Robert Chase: I'd give her two months.
Dr. Gregory House: On the bright side, it still means I was right.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, bite me!
Dr. Gregory House: Eighth time's the charm!
Dr. Gregory House: The Cripple Boys. We should start a band.
Dr. Eric Foreman: "The body does crazy things." Well, that explains everything.
Dr. Gregory House: Trouble in paradise. 2 o'clock.
Dr. Wilson: Wait, your 2 o'clock or my 2 o'clock?
Dr. Gregory House: Over there!
Dr. Gregory House: Chase loves me.
[about Wilson's horrible Chase impression]
Dr. Gregory House: And isn't Turkish.
Dr. Gregory House: How does someone just start drooling? Chase? Were you wearing your short shorts?
Stacy Warner: I need to talk to you.
Dr. Gregory House: From the doorway?
Stacy Warner: It's confidential.
Dr. Gregory House: Cool. I love gossip.
Dr. Robert Chase: She was fine two hours ago.
Dr. Gregory House: If by fine you mean bleeding profusely out of every orifice, then yeah, I believe you.
Dr. Gregory House: You don't have a problem with what I did?
Dr. Robert Chase: In pre-med, I had a professor who...
Dr. Gregory House: - touched you in the naughty place?
Dr. Gregory House: [after running into a waiting patient holding a cup full of a yellow liquid] He peed on me!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You want me to put Hank Wiggin on the transplant list?
Dr. Gregory House: He needs a new kidney. I was thinking the kidney people might have some.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well, they like to save them for people who have... how do I put this?... kidney problems.
Dr. Cameron: [outraged] You pulled my medical records?
Dr. Gregory House: You coughed the other day, I was concerned.
Dr. Cameron: You were curious. Like an eight year old boy with a puzzle that's just a little too grown up for him to figure out.
[stalks off]
Dr. Gregory House: To-MAY-to, to-MAH-to...
Dr. Gregory House: I saw the light on.
Dr. Cameron: It's daytime.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. It's a figure of speech. Always so literal.
Dr. Cameron: Got a new cane.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. Guy in the store said it was slimming. Vertical stripe...
Dr. Cameron: Why are you here?
Dr. Cameron: Vogler is dead.
Dr. Cameron: What? What happened?
Dr. Gregory House: Again with the literal translation. Vogler the idea, Mr. Destructo, Mr. Moneybags, bow does before me; he is gone from the hospital, so things can go back to the way they were.
Dr. Cameron: The way they were was kind of weird.
Dr. Gregory House: Weird works for me.
Dr. Cameron: What are you saying? Literally?
Dr. Gregory House: I want you to come back.
Dr. Cameron: Why?
[House's beeper goes off, Cameron crosses her arms]
Dr. Gregory House: Please unclench. You're not on the clock, and when you do that, I clench, and then it's the whole thing...
Dr. Cameron: Could you look at your pager?
[he does]
Dr. Gregory House: It's no big deal, some sort of epidemic. Not my area.
Dr. Cameron: You should go, it's important.
Dr. Gregory House: What I'm doing now is important.
Dr. Cameron: Why do you want me back?
Dr. Gregory House: Because you're a good doctor.
Dr. Cameron: That's it?
Dr. Gregory House: That's not enough?
Dr. Cameron: Not for me. Go deal with your plague.
[she shuts the door in his face]
Dr. Robert Chase: You two are just too nasty to each other not to have been... nasty.
Dr. Gregory House: Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am that good.
[someone is groaning in the restroom stall]
Dr. Gregory House: Good lord, are you having a bowel movement or a baby?
Dr. Gregory House: Why are you doing this?
Dr. Cameron: I'm not doing anything.
Dr. Gregory House: You're manipulating everyone.
Dr. Cameron: People... dismiss me. Because I'm a woman, because I'm pretty, because I'm not agressive. My opinions shouldn't be rejected just because people don't like me.
Dr. Gregory House: They like you. Everyone likes you.
[he starts to walk away]
Dr. Cameron: Do you?
Dr. Cameron: I have to know.
Dr. Gregory House: No.
Dr. Cameron: [smiles quietly] Okay.
Dr. Wilson: [House is attempting to put on a tie before his date with Cameron] The wide side's too short. You're gonna look like Lou Costello.
Dr. Gregory House: This is a mistake. I don't know how to have casual conversation. You think you're talking about one thing, and either you are and it's incredibly boring, or you're not because it's subtext and you need a decoder ring.
Dr. Wilson: Open doors for her, help her with her chair...
Dr. Gregory House: I have been on a date.
Dr. Wilson: Uh, not since disco died. Comment on her shoes, her earrings, and then move on to D.H.A. : her Dreams, Hopes, and Aspirations. Trust me. Panty-peeler. Oh, and if you need condoms, I've got some.
Dr. Gregory House: [sarcastically] Did your wife give them to you?
Dr. Wilson: Drug rep. They got antibiotics built in, somehow.
Dr. Gregory House: I should cancel. I've got a patient in surgery tomorrow.
[House moves to the kitchen]
Dr. Wilson: And if you were a surgeon, that would actually matter. That's a good idea, settle your nerves. Get me a beer too.
Dr. Gregory House: No beer.
Dr. Wilson: You're gonna eat before dinner?
[House reaches into the friedge and takes out a corsage]
Dr. Gregory House: This is pretty lame, right?
Dr. Wilson: I think she likes lame.
Dr. Robert Chase: [about Cameron and House's upcoming date] House isn't going to hand you anything. You want him, you've gotta take him. Jump him.
Dr. Roger Spain (First Applicant): Wow, I thought you'd be the last person to have a problem with nonconformity.
Dr. Gregory House: Nonconformity; right... I can't remember the last time saw a twenty something kid with a tattoo of an Asian letter on his wrist. You are one wicked free thinker! You want to be a rebel; stop being cool. Wear a pocket protector like he does, and get a hair cut. Like the Asian kids that don't leave the library for a twenty hours stretch. They're the ones that don't care what you think.
Dr. Gregory House: Sayonara
[Dr. Spain exits office]
Dr. Wilson: So, should I go through all the resumes looking for Asian names?
Dr. Gregory House: Actually, the Asian kids are probably just responding to parental pressure, but my point is still valid.
Dr. Gregory House: Read less, more TV.
Dr. Gregory House: That's absurd. I love it.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You need a lawyer.
Anica Jovanovich: You know, I was going to ask what a respectable doctor was doing in an OTB parlor... somehow, that question doesn't seem relevant any more.
Dr. Gregory House: What's your excuse?
Anica Jovanovich: Turns me on.
Dr. Gregory House: What else turns you on? Drugs? Casual sex? Rough sex?
Dr. Gregory House: Casual rough sex? I'm a doctor, I need to know.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: When I hired you, I knew you were insane. I will continue to try and stop you from doing insane things, but once they're done, trying to convince an insane person not to do insane things is, in itself, insane. So when I hired you, I also set aside fifty thousand a year for legal expenses. So far, you've come in under budget.
Stacy Warner: You avoid work like the plague, unless it actually is the plague.
Stacy Warner: God, you are such an idiot.
Dr. Gregory House: Actually, I thought I was more of a jerk.
Dr. Gregory House: [to the crowd in the walk-in clinic's waiting area] Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.
Dr. Gregory House: This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a bored... certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this hospital who is forced to be here against his will.
[to Lisa]
Dr. Gregory House: That is true, isn't it?
[to crowd]
Dr. Gregory House: But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine! You can't have any! And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem... but who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me?
[nobody moves]
Dr. Gregory House: And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys?
[everybody raises their hand]
Dr. Gregory House: Okay, well, I'll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Jody Matthews?
[Jody raises her hand]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Please accompany Doctor House to Exam Room One.
Dr. Gregory House: Oxygen is so important during those prepubescent years, don't you think?
Dr. Eric Foreman: No neurologist in his right mind would recommend that.
Dr. Gregory House: Show of hands: who thinks I'm not in my right mind? And who thinks I forget this very basic neurological fact? Who thinks there's a third option?
[Dr. Chase raises his hand]
Dr. Gregory House: Very good. What's the third choice?
Dr. Robert Chase: No idea. You just asked if I thought there was one.
Dr. Cameron: Twelve-year-olds don't have sex.
Dr. Gregory House: Their mistake.
Dr. Gregory House: [sticking his head into an exam room] Need a consult!
Dr. Wilson: With a patient!
Dr. Gregory House: Urgent doctor stuff.
Dr. Cameron: All this hate is toxic.
Dr. Robert Chase: How'd you like it if I interfered in your personal life?
Dr. Gregory House: I'd hate it. That's why, cleverly, I have no personal life.
Dr. Gregory House: Clue number one - if I were Jesus, curing this kid would be as easy as turning water into wine.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Demonic possession?
Dr. Gregory House: Close, but no wafer.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [House is reporting for clinic duty] You're half an hour late.
Dr. Gregory House: Busy case load.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: One case is not a "load".
Dr. Wilson: I love my wife.
Dr. Gregory House: You certainly love saying it.
Dr. Wilson: At least I try.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, as long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.
Dr. Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.
Dr. Gregory House: So between us we can do anything. We can rule the world!
Dr. Gregory House: I find your interest interesting.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It takes two department heads to treat shortness of breath? What, did the complications increase exponentially with cup size?
Dr. Cameron: You want me to tell a man whose wife is about to die that she may have cheated on him?
Dr. Gregory House: No, I want you to be polite and let her die.
Dr. Gregory House: Chicks dig this
[waves cane]
Dr. Gregory House: It's better than a puppy!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: People talk.
Dr. Gregory House: About how big your ass is getting? I've been defending you- you got back!
Dr. Eric Foreman: You assaulted that man!
Dr. Gregory House: Fine. I'll never do it again.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yes you will.
Dr. Gregory House: All the more reason this debate is pointless.
Dr. Cameron: I'm uncomfortable about sex.
Dr. Robert Chase: Well, we don't have to talk about this...
Dr. Cameron: Sex COULD kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent. It's ugly. And it's messy. And if God hadn't made it UNBELIEVABLY fun, the human race would have died out eons ago.
[She pauses to catch her breath]
Dr. Robert Chase: [He is speechless]
Dr. Cameron: Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. Know that women can have an hour long orgasm?
Dr. Eric Foreman: [enters]
Dr. Cameron: [as if nothing had just occurred] Hey Foreman. What's up?
Dr. Gregory House: Ah, a rash, call a dermatologist. If it's wet, keep it dry. If it's dry, keep it wet. If it's not supposed to be there, cut it off. I never could remember all that.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I need you to wear your lab coat.
Dr. Gregory House: I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age.
Dr. Wilson: Billionaires buy movie studios to get laid. They buy hospitals to get respect.
Dr. Gregory House: And the reason you want respect?
Dr. Wilson: To... get laid.
Dr. Wilson: [paraphrasing House's frequent quote] "Everybody lies"... except *politicians*? House, I believe you are a romantic. You didn't just believe him, you believed in him. You wanna come over tonight and watch old movies and *cry*?
[pauses, points]
Dr. Wilson: Dr. Cameron's getting to you. Well, I guess you can't be around that much *niceness* and not get any on you
Dr. Gregory House: Is that why you haven't put the moves on her?
Dr. Wilson: What makes you think I *haven't* put the moves on her?
Dr. Gregory House: [Stops and stares]
Dr. Wilson: [points] Oh.
[he's onto something big]
Dr. Wilson: [whispers] Oh *boy*! You're in trouble.
[laughs and exits]
Dr. Eric Foreman: [to House] These regulations aren't just here to annoy you.
Dr. Robert Chase: I think we need to take his girlfriend's theory into account.
Dr. Cameron: Oh, and what is that?
Dr. Robert Chase: She thinks she rode him to death.
Dr. Wilson: Even I don't like you!
Dr. Gregory House: Words can hurt you know.
Dr. Gregory House: Like I always say, there's no "I" in team. There's a "me" though, if you jumble it up.
Dr. Gregory House: [searching Cuddy's house for the cause of her handyman's illness]
[holds up a thong]
Dr. Gregory House: Does this count as red?
Dr. Gregory House: Right rudder. Bank, bank, bank!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Good coffee? The rest of this hospital is busting its tail and you're...
[House's eyes get really wide, and he covers them with his folder]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What are you doing?
Dr. Gregory House: Trying to think of anything except the produce department at Whole Foods.
[Wilson smirks]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I am working. It got hot. Stop acting like a 13-year-old!
Dr. Gregory House: Sorry. You just don't normally see breasts like that on Deans of Medicine.
[Wilson tries to look anywhere except at Cuddy's chest]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Women can't be heads of hospitals? Or just ugly ones?
Dr. Gregory House: No, they can be babes. It's just you don't normally see their fun bags.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm extremely disappointed. I send you out for exciting, new designer drugs, you come back with tomato sauce.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Your reputation won't last if you don't do your job; the clinic is part of your job. I want you to do your job.
Dr. Gregory House: But as the philosopher Jagger once said "You can't always get what you want."
Dr. Gregory House: Everybody lies.
[repeated line]
Dr. Gregory House: We're missing something.
Dr. Gregory House: Hey! You're killing her!
Edward Vogler: Really?
Dr. Gregory House: She knew the risks! One blip in the data and your results are off!
Edward Vogler: The FDA eats blips for breakfast! One person shouldn't endanger thousands!
Dr. Gregory House: Thank God for you to save all those lives!
Edward Vogler: [chuckles] Calm down. Why don't you play some Game Boy? Watch your soap? I hear they're firing the handsome doctor today.
Dr. Gregory House: Overall, drug addicts are idiots
Dr. Gregory House: [trying to get Cuddy to leave the room by admitting malpractice] So there I was, in the clinic, drunk, so I opened the drawer, closed my eyes, grabbed the first syringe I could find...
Dr. Wilson: I love my wife.
Dr. Gregory House: You loved all your wives.
Dr. Gregory House: Less money is made by biochemists working on a cure for cancer than by their colleagues struggling valiantly to hide steroid use.
Dr. Gregory House: That's why you're here? She wants you to keep an eye on me, make sure I don't cheat.
Dr. Wilson: No, I wanted to make sure you don't start firing shots from the clock tower.
Dr. Gregory House: I take risks, sometimes patients die, but not taking risks causes more patients to die - so I guess my biggest problem is I've been cursed with the ability to do the math.
Dr. Eric Foreman: How'd she get to you?
Dr. Gregory House: She's the CEO of Sonyo cosmetics. Three assistants and fifteen VPs checked out who should be treating her. Who da man? I da man. I always suspected.
Dr. Cameron: That's not necessarily bad news.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Do you ever watch "Gilligan's Island" reruns and really, really think they're going to get off the island this time?
Dr. Robert Chase: Well, let's go further outside the box. Let's say the angio revealed a clot, and let's say we treated that clot, and now she's all better, and personally thanked me by performing...
Dr. Cameron: My Aunt Elisa lives in Philadelphia.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, it's storytime! Let me get my baba.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, this is where I give you advice and pretend you are going listen to it, I love this part.
Dr. Gregory House: Be home by midnight or you can't have the car this weekend.
Dr. Gregory House: Fascinating story. Did you think about adapting it to the stage?
Dr. Gregory House: You don't want to burden him because you were such a lousy dad.
Dr. Gregory House: Dr. Cuddy. Thanks for the consult. His throat seems to have some condition.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: He has a sore throat.
Dr. Gregory House: Of *course*! Yes! Why didn't I... He... He said that it hurt and I should have deduced that it was sore.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I was in a board meeting.
Dr. Gregory House: Patients come first, right?
Dr. Eric Foreman: It's dangerous, it could kill him. You should do it.
Dr. Gregory House: McPhearson? Horrible doctor, I heard he tortured kittens.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No, McDonald.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, McDonald? Wonderful Doctor, loves kittens
Dr. Wilson: You're not going to be happy with anyone.
Dr. Gregory House: So, what, your advice is... hire someone I'm not happy with and be happy?
Dr. Wilson: No, my advice is much more subtle. Stop being an ass. You always find some tiny little flaw to push people away.
Dr. Gregory House: Now it's people. I thought we were talking about fellowship applicants.
Dr. Wilson: You have a history of this.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, when I do decide to push you away, I hope there's a small person kneeling behind you so you fall down and hurt your head.
Dr. Cameron: [discussing a patient's diagnosis] What about sex?
Dr. Gregory House: Well, it might get complicated. We work together. I am older, certainly, but maybe you like that.
Dr. Cameron: I meant maybe he has neurosyphilis.
Dr. Gregory House: Heh, nice cover.
[to House]
Dr. Cameron: I thought you were too screwed up to love anyone. I was wrong. You just couldn't love me. It's okay. I'm happy for you.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Why did you kill your girlfriend?
Clarence: The bitch stepped out.
[Foreman stabs him with a needle]
Dr. Gregory House: How are we doing on the cotton swabs today? If there's a critical shortage, I could run home.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No, you couldn't.
Dr. Gregory House: Nice.
Jill: My joints have been feeling all loose, and lately I've been feeling sick a lot. Maybe I'm overtraining; I'm doin' the marathon, like, ten miles a day,
[House looks tired]
Jill: but I can't seem to lose any weight.
Dr. Gregory House: Lift up your arms.
[she does so]
Dr. Gregory House: You have a parasite.
Jill: Like a tapeworm or something?
Dr. Gregory House: Lie back and lift up your sweater.
[she lies back, and still has her hands up]
Dr. Gregory House: You can put your arms down.
Jill: Can you do anything about it?
Dr. Gregory House: Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states.
[he starts to ultrasound her abdomen]
Jill: Illegal?
Dr. Gregory House: Don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites...
Jill: Playdates?
Dr. Gregory House: [shows her the ultrasound] It has your eyes.
[it's a baby]
Dr. Cameron: I'm the only one who's always stood behind you when you've screwed up.
Dr. Gregory House: Why? Why would you support someone who screws up?
Dr. Cameron: Because I'm not insanely insecure, and because I can actually trust in another human being, and I am not an angry, misanthropic son of a bitch.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm sorry. You said you *weren't* angry.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You are aware of the Hippocratic oath, right?
Dr. Gregory House: The one that starts, "First, do no harm", then goes on to tell us: no abortions, no seductions, and definitely no cutting of those who labor beneath the stone? Yeah, took a read once. Wasn't impressed.
Nurse #2: I'll get a doctor.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, you'd better hurry. You've got about twenty seconds before I go into cardiac arrest.
[machines start to sound]
Dr. Gregory House: Huh, I was wrong.
Dr. Eric Foreman: This guy's been injecting himself how many times a day? All it'd take is one slip of the needle to cause an air embolus.
Dr. Gregory House: So air is keeping him from breathing air. Let's go with that for the irony.
Dr. Gregory House: [House has had a confrontation with Stacy's wheelchair-bound husband] How awkward was that? What is he doing here, anyway? He's got physio Tuesdays and Fridays.
Dr. Wilson: He's in group therapy for people coping with disability. He thought about developing a drug addiction, but that would be stupid.
Dr. Gregory House: Hey! You again!
Dr. Gregory House: The drugs don't make me high, they make me neutral.
Dr. Gregory House: I teach you to lie, cheat, and steal, and as soon as my back's turned you wait in line?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: How is waking me up in the middle of the night to lie to a patient supposed to convince me you're better than House?
Dr. Eric Foreman: [holds up coffee] I brought you coffee?
Dr. Wilson: Did you know your phone is dead? Do you ever recharge the batteries?
Dr. Gregory House: They recharge? I just keep buying new phones.
Dr. Gregory House: Sorry, I missed that. White count's been down since the Ricky Martin concert. Some cholo kicked me in the head.
Dr. Gregory House: You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a...
Dr. Gregory House: I can't think of a non-sexual metaphor.
[upon seeing bowls of candy canes set out for Christmas]
Dr. Gregory House: Candy *canes*? Are you mocking me?
Dr. Gregory House: Would the world be a better place if people never felt guilty? Makes sex better. Shoulda seen her in the last months of our relationship. Lot of guilt. *Lot* of screaming.
[repeated line]
Dr. Cameron: I hate sports metaphors.
Dr. Cameron, Dr. Eric Foreman, Dr. Robert Chase: [speaking about patient's symptoms] We've got rectal bleeding.
Dr. Gregory House: What, all three of you?
[House has a patient, and finds Chase chatting up a girl]
Dr. Gregory House: [to Chase] Hey, how's that anal fissure?
[House opens door loudly]
Dr. Wilson: Ahh!
Dr. Gregory House: Nineteen year old, didn't want to hear the coolest explanation of why she's going to die... begged me to shut up!
Dr. Gregory House: [slams the door]
Dr. Wilson: [cringes] Well, if you cant shut up, at least talk quietly.
Dr. Gregory House: [turns on lights] Anphedamine withdrawel's a bitch. She thought, that I was HAPPY!
[stares at wilson]
Dr. Wilson: You were, happy?
Dr. Gregory House: NO! I was hazy! And I dont get HAZY on vicodin, or anything else I throw down... Which means, I was throwing down something that I didn't know I was throwing down. And that got me to wondering, why didn't you give me those HAPPY pills?
Dr. Wilson: I told you, you gotta be checked out by...
Dr. Gregory House: NO! You just didn't want me double-dosing!
Dr. Gregory House: [wilson looks embarressed] YOU DOSED ME! Those coffees...
Dr. Wilson: They worked! You've been smiling, relaxed, happy!
Dr. Gregory House: A dying girl thought I was happy... a MORON thought I was happy! Who the hell doesn't want to know she's dying?
Dr. Wilson: House... was HAPPY.
Dr. Gregory House: HAZY!
Dr. Wilson: HAPPY.
Dr. Gregory House: [walks in] Good morning.
[looks at coffee mug, laughs]
Dr. Gregory House: Hah, this is funny, people don't...
Dr. Cameron: Not done reading, go away.
Dr. Gregory House: [House leaves]
Dr. Cameron: Most likely, she coughed it up, which would mean its from her lungs. Drugs, toxins, infections?
Dr. Eric Foreman: No fever, no elevated white count, which rules out infections...
Dr. Cameron: And, blood panels found no drugs, or toxins.
Dr. Robert Chase: Loncoscopy was pristine... so much for the lungs...
Dr. Gregory House: [walks back in] Good morning!
Dr. Robert Chase: Not yet!
[House leaves again]
Dr. Cameron: So then the blood came from her stomach, which would mean its an ulser or a GI bleed.
Dr. Eric Foreman: The ER also ran an upper and lower GI, no blood.
Dr. Robert Chase: Which means no ulser or GI bleed, which means its not from the stomach either, which means... the blood didnt come from anywhere?
[Everyone looks confused]
Dr. Gregory House: [Pops head in] Did you guys get to the point that the blood doesn't come from anywhere?