Quotes Of House

Dr. Cameron: Men should grow up.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. And dogs should stop licking themselves. It's not gonna happen.
________________________________________
Dr. Wilson: Beauty often seduces us on the road to truth.
Dr. Gregory House: And triteness kicks us in the nads.
________________________________________
Dr. Eric Foreman: I think your argument is specious.
Dr. Gregory House: I think your tie is ugly.
________________________________________
Dr. Wilson: That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality.
Dr. Gregory House: Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: Perseverance does not equal worthiness. Next time you want to get my attention, wear something fun. Low-riding jeans are hot.
________________________________________
Dr. Wilson: [Wilson is quoting a poem from a patient of House's] 'The healer with his magic powers! / I could rub his gentle brow for hours. / His manly chest, his stubbled jaw, / Everything about him leaves me raw-'
Dr. Gregory House: Psych ward's upstairs.
Dr. Wilson: -with joy. Oh, House your very name / Will never leave this girl the same.' It's not bad for an 82-year-old. She asked me to give that to her true love.
Dr. Gregory House: What can I say? Chicks with no teeth turn me on.
Dr. Wilson: That's fairly disgusting.
Dr. Gregory House: That's ageism.
Dr. Wilson: You better watch yourself around this babe.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: A patient comes because she's sleeping 16 hours a day, and it takes ten doctors and a coma to diagnose sleeping sickness.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: [in Cuddy's office with Foreman] Hey! He knows more homeless people than any of us!
[to Foreman]
Dr. Gregory House: Go check out the hood, Dog.
________________________________________
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [approaching with two young-looking female interns] Dr. House!
Dr. Gregory House: Time for Girl Scout cookies already?
Dr. Wilson: Get me some Thin Mints.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: You can think I'm wrong, but that's no reason to quit thinking.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: You bastard. You invited my parents to dinner.
Dr. Wilson: Geez, Cameron's got a big mouth.
Dr. Gregory House: Ha! Not as big as yours.
Dr. Wilson: Hey, you used me to avoid seeing your parents.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, what do you care?
Dr. Wilson: I don't. I just thought it might be interesting to find out why.
Dr. Gregory House: You could have just asked.
Dr. Wilson: You would have lied.
Dr. Gregory House: And you would have believed me. Which would have kept us both happy. Do you want your money back, is that what this is about?
Dr. Wilson: No! Wait, what? Have you got the money?
[House starts to write check]
Dr. Wilson: If you have the money, then why did you need the loan?
Dr. Gregory House: I didn't. I just wanted to see if you'd give it to me. I've been borrowing increasing amounts ever since you lent me forty dollars a year ago. A little experiment to see where you'd draw the line.
Dr. Wilson: You're - you're trying to objectively measure how much I value our friendship?
Dr. Gregory House: That's five grand, you've got nothing to be ashamed of. So what do you say, one little phone call, one big check?
Dr. Wilson: Fine.
[takes check]
Dr. Wilson: Thanks.
[gets in car]
Dr. Wilson: Now, be a grownup and either tell mommy and daddy you don't want to see them or I'm picking you up at 7:00 for dinner.
Dr. Gregory House: What do you mean? You just said...
Dr. Wilson: I lied. I've been lying to you in increasing amounts ever since I told you you look good unshaved a year ago. It's a little experiment, you know, to see where you'd draw the line.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cameron, after she assists a patient's suicide] I'm proud of you.
________________________________________
[Cameron is in the lab working on some equipment]
Dr. Gregory House: Mixing up some margaritas? Mine's a double, Senorita. That's Portuguese you know.
Dr. Cameron: [too quietly] Spanish.
Dr. Gregory House: Uh-oh. What's going on?
Dr. Cameron: I'm re-calibrating the centrifuge.
Dr. Gregory House: Turn around.
[she's been crying]
Dr. Gregory House: It's a very sad thing, an un-calibrated centrifuge. It makes me cry too.
Dr. Cameron: I'm not crying.
Dr. Gregory House: Ok.
[pause]
Dr. Cameron: ...When I was in college, I... I fell in love, and I got married. And...
Dr. Gregory House: At that age the chances of a marriage lasting...
Dr. Cameron: It lasted six months. Thyroid cancer metastasized to his brain. There was nothing they could do. I was 21, and I watched my husband die.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm sorry,
[pause]
Dr. Gregory House: but that's not the whole story. It's a symptom, not your illness. Thyroid cancer would have been diagnosed at least a year before his death, you knew he was dying when you married him. Must have been when you first met him; and you married him anyway. You can't be that good a person and well adjusted.
Dr. Cameron: Why?
Dr. Gregory House: Because you wind up crying over centrifuges.
Dr. Cameron: Or hating people?
________________________________________
Dr. Wilson: I am so tired of this.
[pause]
Dr. Wilson: Did you know that the new nurse from cardiology is sleeping with that weird lawyer from the board?
Dr. Gregory House: The guy with eleven fingers?
Dr. Wilson: He has eleven fingers?
Dr. Gregory House: How do you not notice that?
Dr. Wilson: The nurse used to be a man.
Dr. Gregory House: [guessing] She's not anymore.
Dr. Wilson: But we can't talk about that.
Dr. Gregory House: I thought we were.
Dr. Wilson: We were supposed to talk about that. I came here to talk about that, but on the way up, I ran into Cameron. You've got a CIPA patient.
Dr. Gregory House: [thinks] ... tranny nurse is more interesting.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, it's WAY more interesting. But instead, I've gotta be your damn conscience. I'm tired of being your conscience. I don't enjoy being your conscience...
Dr. Gregory House: No one enjoys it...
Dr. Wilson: You're studying her.
Dr. Gregory House: She's actually sick.
Dr. Wilson: Which you found out after you took her on.
Dr. Gregory House: I was curious. Since I'm not a cat, that's not dangerous.
Dr. Wilson: I don't think that metaphor was designed to actually warn cats. You don't care about her illness, you care about CIPA - which means your focus is gonna be on getting your answers, not hers.
Dr. Gregory House: Thank you. Forewarned is forearmed.
Dr. Wilson: What do you think you're gonna figure out? You think... her lack of pain is somehow the answer to your pain.
Dr. Gregory House: I think... if you'd stop talking to Cameron, then right now we could be ranking nurses in order of doability.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: Ah, the Socratic Method. The best way we have of teaching everything-apart from juggling chainsaws.
________________________________________
Dr. Eric Foreman: Not for long, he wants to be discharged!
Dr. Gregory House: Of course he does. Places to go, people to eat!
________________________________________
Lola: He drops clean urine, denies using steroids, and you're giving him a drug for what, steroid abuse?
Dr. Gregory House: No, no, it's not. No, it's got calcium in it. It's very good for the bones. Basically, at a molecular level, it's just milk.
[Lola leaves]
Dr. Gregory House: How long do you figure before I get a call from Cuddy?
________________________________________
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You put him on Lupron?
Dr. Gregory House: Uh-huh.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: And you told them it was like milk?
Dr. Gregory House: Yes.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Is there any way in which that is not a lie?
Dr. Gregory House: It's creamy.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: Fine. I'll ask one of my other friends.
Dr. Wilson: Huh...
Dr. Gregory House: What? You're saying I've only got one friend?
Dr. Wilson: Uh... and... who...?
Dr. Gregory House: Kevin. In bookkeeping.
Dr. Wilson: Okay, well, first of all, his name's Karl...
Dr. Gregory House: I call him Kevin. It's his secret friendship club name.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: [Looking at a comic drawn by a patient, using clues to figure out her identity] Philadelphia. Look at that skyline. It's very evocative. The Chrysler Building.
Dr. Eric Foreman: That's a cloud.
Dr. Cameron: And the Chrysler Building's in New York.
Dr. Gregory House: Eh, I'm getting Philly. And that cactus, well, that's a smashed car? Car accident!
Dr. Cameron: A cactus in Philly?
Dr. Gregory House: Water?
[to Wilson]
Dr. Gregory House: Well, water's October, right?
Dr. Wilson: Obviously.
Dr. Gregory House: The page number's 22, so that's October 2nd, 2002. Ergo, the patient was in a car accident two years ago last October.
Dr. Wilson: My goodness, was she okay?
Dr. Gregory House: Broke her arm. I think they fixed it, with this
[holds up surgical pin from the patient's arm]
Dr. Gregory House: . Surgical pin. Better than a wallet. Serial number, in case of recall, tied to a patient's name.
________________________________________
Dr. Wilson: [to House] Trying to win Stacy back by killing an animal. Very caveman.
________________________________________
Dr. Eric Foreman: This is definitely different.
Dr. Robert Chase: [looking at a photograph of House] It looks almost like...
Dr. Cameron: ...He's caring.
________________________________________
Dr. Eric Foreman: Somebody's gotta be Cuddy's Cuddy.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: Chase loves me. And isn't Turkish.
Dr. Wilson: No, Cameron loves you. Chase loves his job.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: How was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: [to EMT guy who has just tried to give directions] You wanted to be a doctor, maybe you should have buckled down a little more in high school.
________________________________________
Stacy Warner: If I thought you were capable of listening, I'd shut up.
Dr. Gregory House: That makes no sense at all.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: Nobel invented dynamite. I won't accept his blood money.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: J'ever notice, how all the self-sacrificing women in history, Joan of Arc, Mother Teresa... can't think of any others, they all die alone? The men, on the other hand, get so much fuzz it's crazy.
Dr. Wilson: It's an unfair world.
________________________________________
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: If you would consider going to a shrink, I would pay for it myself. The hospital would hold a bake sale, for God's sake.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: [hearing serious news about patient on phone] Check it again. I'll be right there.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What happened?
Dr. Gregory House: Apparently I can save money by switching to another long-distance carrier.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: Well, there's the fever that Cameron was looking for.
Dr. Cameron: We knew if it was myelitis there had to be an -itis. This must be the infection that set it off.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. Except in this universe effect follows cause. I've complained about it, but...
________________________________________
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yeah, you're all about nurturing.
Dr. Gregory House: Do you need a hug?
________________________________________
Dr. Robert Chase: I'd give her two months.
Dr. Gregory House: On the bright side, it still means I was right.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, bite me!
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: Eighth time's the charm!
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: The Cripple Boys. We should start a band.
________________________________________
Dr. Eric Foreman: "The body does crazy things." Well, that explains everything.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: Trouble in paradise. 2 o'clock.
Dr. Wilson: Wait, your 2 o'clock or my 2 o'clock?
Dr. Gregory House: Over there!
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: Chase loves me.
[about Wilson's horrible Chase impression]
Dr. Gregory House: And isn't Turkish.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: How does someone just start drooling? Chase? Were you wearing your short shorts?
________________________________________
Stacy Warner: I need to talk to you.
Dr. Gregory House: From the doorway?
Stacy Warner: It's confidential.
Dr. Gregory House: Cool. I love gossip.
________________________________________
Dr. Robert Chase: She was fine two hours ago.
Dr. Gregory House: If by fine you mean bleeding profusely out of every orifice, then yeah, I believe you.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: You don't have a problem with what I did?
________________________________________
Dr. Robert Chase: In pre-med, I had a professor who...
Dr. Gregory House: - touched you in the naughty place?
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: [after running into a waiting patient holding a cup full of a yellow liquid] He peed on me!
________________________________________
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You want me to put Hank Wiggin on the transplant list?
Dr. Gregory House: He needs a new kidney. I was thinking the kidney people might have some.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well, they like to save them for people who have... how do I put this?... kidney problems.
________________________________________
Dr. Cameron: [outraged] You pulled my medical records?
Dr. Gregory House: You coughed the other day, I was concerned.
Dr. Cameron: You were curious. Like an eight year old boy with a puzzle that's just a little too grown up for him to figure out.
[stalks off]
Dr. Gregory House: To-MAY-to, to-MAH-to...
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: I saw the light on.
Dr. Cameron: It's daytime.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. It's a figure of speech. Always so literal.
[pause]
Dr. Cameron: Got a new cane.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. Guy in the store said it was slimming. Vertical stripe...
Dr. Cameron: Why are you here?
Dr. Cameron: Vogler is dead.
Dr. Cameron: What? What happened?
Dr. Gregory House: Again with the literal translation. Vogler the idea, Mr. Destructo, Mr. Moneybags, bow does before me; he is gone from the hospital, so things can go back to the way they were.
Dr. Cameron: The way they were was kind of weird.
Dr. Gregory House: Weird works for me.
Dr. Cameron: What are you saying? Literally?
Dr. Gregory House: I want you to come back.
Dr. Cameron: Why?
[House's beeper goes off, Cameron crosses her arms]
Dr. Gregory House: Please unclench. You're not on the clock, and when you do that, I clench, and then it's the whole thing...
Dr. Cameron: Could you look at your pager?
[he does]
Dr. Gregory House: It's no big deal, some sort of epidemic. Not my area.
Dr. Cameron: You should go, it's important.
Dr. Gregory House: What I'm doing now is important.
Dr. Cameron: Why do you want me back?
Dr. Gregory House: Because you're a good doctor.
Dr. Cameron: That's it?
Dr. Gregory House: That's not enough?
Dr. Cameron: Not for me. Go deal with your plague.
[she shuts the door in his face]
________________________________________
Dr. Robert Chase: You two are just too nasty to each other not to have been... nasty.
Dr. Gregory House: Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am that good.
________________________________________
[someone is groaning in the restroom stall]
Dr. Gregory House: Good lord, are you having a bowel movement or a baby?
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: Why are you doing this?
Dr. Cameron: I'm not doing anything.
Dr. Gregory House: You're manipulating everyone.
Dr. Cameron: People... dismiss me. Because I'm a woman, because I'm pretty, because I'm not agressive. My opinions shouldn't be rejected just because people don't like me.
Dr. Gregory House: They like you. Everyone likes you.
[he starts to walk away]
Dr. Cameron: Do you?
[pause]
Dr. Cameron: I have to know.
Dr. Gregory House: No.
Dr. Cameron: [smiles quietly] Okay.
________________________________________
Dr. Wilson: [House is attempting to put on a tie before his date with Cameron] The wide side's too short. You're gonna look like Lou Costello.
Dr. Gregory House: This is a mistake. I don't know how to have casual conversation. You think you're talking about one thing, and either you are and it's incredibly boring, or you're not because it's subtext and you need a decoder ring.
Dr. Wilson: Open doors for her, help her with her chair...
Dr. Gregory House: I have been on a date.
Dr. Wilson: Uh, not since disco died. Comment on her shoes, her earrings, and then move on to D.H.A. : her Dreams, Hopes, and Aspirations. Trust me. Panty-peeler. Oh, and if you need condoms, I've got some.
Dr. Gregory House: [sarcastically] Did your wife give them to you?
Dr. Wilson: Drug rep. They got antibiotics built in, somehow.
Dr. Gregory House: I should cancel. I've got a patient in surgery tomorrow.
[House moves to the kitchen]
Dr. Wilson: And if you were a surgeon, that would actually matter. That's a good idea, settle your nerves. Get me a beer too.
Dr. Gregory House: No beer.
Dr. Wilson: You're gonna eat before dinner?
[House reaches into the friedge and takes out a corsage]
Dr. Gregory House: This is pretty lame, right?
Dr. Wilson: I think she likes lame.
________________________________________
Dr. Robert Chase: [about Cameron and House's upcoming date] House isn't going to hand you anything. You want him, you've gotta take him. Jump him.
________________________________________
Dr. Roger Spain (First Applicant): Wow, I thought you'd be the last person to have a problem with nonconformity.
Dr. Gregory House: Nonconformity; right... I can't remember the last time saw a twenty something kid with a tattoo of an Asian letter on his wrist. You are one wicked free thinker! You want to be a rebel; stop being cool. Wear a pocket protector like he does, and get a hair cut. Like the Asian kids that don't leave the library for a twenty hours stretch. They're the ones that don't care what you think.
[pause]
Dr. Gregory House: Sayonara
[Dr. Spain exits office]
Dr. Wilson: So, should I go through all the resumes looking for Asian names?
Dr. Gregory House: Actually, the Asian kids are probably just responding to parental pressure, but my point is still valid.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: Read less, more TV.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: That's absurd. I love it.
________________________________________
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You need a lawyer.
________________________________________
Anica Jovanovich: You know, I was going to ask what a respectable doctor was doing in an OTB parlor... somehow, that question doesn't seem relevant any more.
Dr. Gregory House: What's your excuse?
Anica Jovanovich: Turns me on.
Dr. Gregory House: What else turns you on? Drugs? Casual sex? Rough sex?
[pause]
Dr. Gregory House: Casual rough sex? I'm a doctor, I need to know.
________________________________________
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: When I hired you, I knew you were insane. I will continue to try and stop you from doing insane things, but once they're done, trying to convince an insane person not to do insane things is, in itself, insane. So when I hired you, I also set aside fifty thousand a year for legal expenses. So far, you've come in under budget.
________________________________________
Stacy Warner: You avoid work like the plague, unless it actually is the plague.
________________________________________
Stacy Warner: God, you are such an idiot.
Dr. Gregory House: Actually, I thought I was more of a jerk.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: [to the crowd in the walk-in clinic's waiting area] Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.
Dr. Gregory House: This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a bored... certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this hospital who is forced to be here against his will.
[to Lisa]
Dr. Gregory House: That is true, isn't it?
[to crowd]
Dr. Gregory House: But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine! You can't have any! And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem... but who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me?
[nobody moves]
Dr. Gregory House: And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys?
[everybody raises their hand]
Dr. Gregory House: Okay, well, I'll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Jody Matthews?
[Jody raises her hand]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Please accompany Doctor House to Exam Room One.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: Oxygen is so important during those prepubescent years, don't you think?
________________________________________
Dr. Eric Foreman: No neurologist in his right mind would recommend that.
Dr. Gregory House: Show of hands: who thinks I'm not in my right mind? And who thinks I forget this very basic neurological fact? Who thinks there's a third option?
[Dr. Chase raises his hand]
Dr. Gregory House: Very good. What's the third choice?
Dr. Robert Chase: No idea. You just asked if I thought there was one.
________________________________________
Dr. Cameron: Twelve-year-olds don't have sex.
Dr. Gregory House: Their mistake.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: [sticking his head into an exam room] Need a consult!
Dr. Wilson: With a patient!
Dr. Gregory House: Urgent doctor stuff.
________________________________________
Dr. Cameron: All this hate is toxic.
________________________________________
Dr. Robert Chase: How'd you like it if I interfered in your personal life?
Dr. Gregory House: I'd hate it. That's why, cleverly, I have no personal life.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: Clue number one - if I were Jesus, curing this kid would be as easy as turning water into wine.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Demonic possession?
Dr. Gregory House: Close, but no wafer.
________________________________________
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [House is reporting for clinic duty] You're half an hour late.
Dr. Gregory House: Busy case load.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: One case is not a "load".
________________________________________
Dr. Wilson: I love my wife.
Dr. Gregory House: You certainly love saying it.
________________________________________
Dr. Wilson: At least I try.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, as long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.
Dr. Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.
Dr. Gregory House: So between us we can do anything. We can rule the world!
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: I find your interest interesting.
________________________________________
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It takes two department heads to treat shortness of breath? What, did the complications increase exponentially with cup size?
________________________________________
Dr. Cameron: You want me to tell a man whose wife is about to die that she may have cheated on him?
Dr. Gregory House: No, I want you to be polite and let her die.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: Chicks dig this
[waves cane]
Dr. Gregory House: It's better than a puppy!
________________________________________
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: People talk.
Dr. Gregory House: About how big your ass is getting? I've been defending you- you got back!
________________________________________
Dr. Eric Foreman: You assaulted that man!
Dr. Gregory House: Fine. I'll never do it again.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yes you will.
Dr. Gregory House: All the more reason this debate is pointless.
________________________________________
Dr. Cameron: I'm uncomfortable about sex.
Dr. Robert Chase: Well, we don't have to talk about this...
Dr. Cameron: Sex COULD kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent. It's ugly. And it's messy. And if God hadn't made it UNBELIEVABLY fun, the human race would have died out eons ago.
[She pauses to catch her breath]
Dr. Robert Chase: [He is speechless]
Dr. Cameron: Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. Know that women can have an hour long orgasm?
Dr. Eric Foreman: [enters]
Dr. Cameron: [as if nothing had just occurred] Hey Foreman. What's up?
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: Ah, a rash, call a dermatologist. If it's wet, keep it dry. If it's dry, keep it wet. If it's not supposed to be there, cut it off. I never could remember all that.
________________________________________
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I need you to wear your lab coat.
Dr. Gregory House: I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age.
________________________________________
Dr. Wilson: Billionaires buy movie studios to get laid. They buy hospitals to get respect.
Dr. Gregory House: And the reason you want respect?
Dr. Wilson: To... get laid.
________________________________________
Dr. Wilson: [paraphrasing House's frequent quote] "Everybody lies"... except *politicians*? House, I believe you are a romantic. You didn't just believe him, you believed in him. You wanna come over tonight and watch old movies and *cry*?
[pauses, points]
Dr. Wilson: Dr. Cameron's getting to you. Well, I guess you can't be around that much *niceness* and not get any on you
Dr. Gregory House: Is that why you haven't put the moves on her?
Dr. Wilson: What makes you think I *haven't* put the moves on her?
Dr. Gregory House: [Stops and stares]
Dr. Wilson: [points] Oh.
[he's onto something big]
Dr. Wilson: [whispers] Oh *boy*! You're in trouble.
[laughs and exits]
________________________________________
Dr. Eric Foreman: [to House] These regulations aren't just here to annoy you.
________________________________________
Dr. Robert Chase: I think we need to take his girlfriend's theory into account.
Dr. Cameron: Oh, and what is that?
Dr. Robert Chase: She thinks she rode him to death.
________________________________________
Dr. Wilson: Even I don't like you!
Dr. Gregory House: Words can hurt you know.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: Like I always say, there's no "I" in team. There's a "me" though, if you jumble it up.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: [searching Cuddy's house for the cause of her handyman's illness]
[holds up a thong]
Dr. Gregory House: Does this count as red?
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: Right rudder. Bank, bank, bank!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Good coffee? The rest of this hospital is busting its tail and you're...
[House's eyes get really wide, and he covers them with his folder]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What are you doing?
Dr. Gregory House: Trying to think of anything except the produce department at Whole Foods.
[Wilson smirks]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I am working. It got hot. Stop acting like a 13-year-old!
Dr. Gregory House: Sorry. You just don't normally see breasts like that on Deans of Medicine.
[Wilson tries to look anywhere except at Cuddy's chest]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Women can't be heads of hospitals? Or just ugly ones?
Dr. Gregory House: No, they can be babes. It's just you don't normally see their fun bags.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: I'm extremely disappointed. I send you out for exciting, new designer drugs, you come back with tomato sauce.
________________________________________
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Your reputation won't last if you don't do your job; the clinic is part of your job. I want you to do your job.
Dr. Gregory House: But as the philosopher Jagger once said "You can't always get what you want."
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: Everybody lies.
________________________________________
[repeated line]
Dr. Gregory House: We're missing something.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: Hey! You're killing her!
Edward Vogler: Really?
Dr. Gregory House: She knew the risks! One blip in the data and your results are off!
Edward Vogler: The FDA eats blips for breakfast! One person shouldn't endanger thousands!
Dr. Gregory House: Thank God for you to save all those lives!
Edward Vogler: [chuckles] Calm down. Why don't you play some Game Boy? Watch your soap? I hear they're firing the handsome doctor today.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: Overall, drug addicts are idiots
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: [trying to get Cuddy to leave the room by admitting malpractice] So there I was, in the clinic, drunk, so I opened the drawer, closed my eyes, grabbed the first syringe I could find...
________________________________________
Dr. Wilson: I love my wife.
Dr. Gregory House: You loved all your wives.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: Less money is made by biochemists working on a cure for cancer than by their colleagues struggling valiantly to hide steroid use.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: That's why you're here? She wants you to keep an eye on me, make sure I don't cheat.
Dr. Wilson: No, I wanted to make sure you don't start firing shots from the clock tower.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: I take risks, sometimes patients die, but not taking risks causes more patients to die - so I guess my biggest problem is I've been cursed with the ability to do the math.
________________________________________
Dr. Eric Foreman: How'd she get to you?
Dr. Gregory House: She's the CEO of Sonyo cosmetics. Three assistants and fifteen VPs checked out who should be treating her. Who da man? I da man. I always suspected.
________________________________________
Dr. Cameron: That's not necessarily bad news.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Do you ever watch "Gilligan's Island" reruns and really, really think they're going to get off the island this time?
________________________________________
Dr. Robert Chase: Well, let's go further outside the box. Let's say the angio revealed a clot, and let's say we treated that clot, and now she's all better, and personally thanked me by performing...
Dr. Cameron: My Aunt Elisa lives in Philadelphia.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, it's storytime! Let me get my baba.
________________________________________
Dr. Wilson: Oh, this is where I give you advice and pretend you are going listen to it, I love this part.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: Be home by midnight or you can't have the car this weekend.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: Fascinating story. Did you think about adapting it to the stage?
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: You don't want to burden him because you were such a lousy dad.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: Dr. Cuddy. Thanks for the consult. His throat seems to have some condition.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: He has a sore throat.
Dr. Gregory House: Of *course*! Yes! Why didn't I... He... He said that it hurt and I should have deduced that it was sore.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I was in a board meeting.
Dr. Gregory House: Patients come first, right?
________________________________________
Dr. Eric Foreman: It's dangerous, it could kill him. You should do it.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: McPhearson? Horrible doctor, I heard he tortured kittens.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No, McDonald.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, McDonald? Wonderful Doctor, loves kittens
________________________________________
Dr. Wilson: You're not going to be happy with anyone.
Dr. Gregory House: So, what, your advice is... hire someone I'm not happy with and be happy?
Dr. Wilson: No, my advice is much more subtle. Stop being an ass. You always find some tiny little flaw to push people away.
Dr. Gregory House: Now it's people. I thought we were talking about fellowship applicants.
Dr. Wilson: You have a history of this.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, when I do decide to push you away, I hope there's a small person kneeling behind you so you fall down and hurt your head.
________________________________________
Dr. Cameron: [discussing a patient's diagnosis] What about sex?
Dr. Gregory House: Well, it might get complicated. We work together. I am older, certainly, but maybe you like that.
Dr. Cameron: I meant maybe he has neurosyphilis.
Dr. Gregory House: Heh, nice cover.
________________________________________
[to House]
Dr. Cameron: I thought you were too screwed up to love anyone. I was wrong. You just couldn't love me. It's okay. I'm happy for you.
________________________________________
Dr. Eric Foreman: Why did you kill your girlfriend?
Clarence: The bitch stepped out.
[Foreman stabs him with a needle]
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: How are we doing on the cotton swabs today? If there's a critical shortage, I could run home.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No, you couldn't.
Dr. Gregory House: Nice.
________________________________________
Jill: My joints have been feeling all loose, and lately I've been feeling sick a lot. Maybe I'm overtraining; I'm doin' the marathon, like, ten miles a day,
[House looks tired]
Jill: but I can't seem to lose any weight.
Dr. Gregory House: Lift up your arms.
[she does so]
Dr. Gregory House: You have a parasite.
Jill: Like a tapeworm or something?
Dr. Gregory House: Lie back and lift up your sweater.
[she lies back, and still has her hands up]
Dr. Gregory House: You can put your arms down.
Jill: Can you do anything about it?
Dr. Gregory House: Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states.
[he starts to ultrasound her abdomen]
Jill: Illegal?
Dr. Gregory House: Don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites...
Jill: Playdates?
Dr. Gregory House: [shows her the ultrasound] It has your eyes.
[it's a baby]
________________________________________
Dr. Cameron: I'm the only one who's always stood behind you when you've screwed up.
Dr. Gregory House: Why? Why would you support someone who screws up?
Dr. Cameron: Because I'm not insanely insecure, and because I can actually trust in another human being, and I am not an angry, misanthropic son of a bitch.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm sorry. You said you *weren't* angry.
________________________________________
Dr. Eric Foreman: You are aware of the Hippocratic oath, right?
Dr. Gregory House: The one that starts, "First, do no harm", then goes on to tell us: no abortions, no seductions, and definitely no cutting of those who labor beneath the stone? Yeah, took a read once. Wasn't impressed.
________________________________________
Nurse #2: I'll get a doctor.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, you'd better hurry. You've got about twenty seconds before I go into cardiac arrest.
[machines start to sound]
Dr. Gregory House: Huh, I was wrong.
________________________________________
Dr. Eric Foreman: This guy's been injecting himself how many times a day? All it'd take is one slip of the needle to cause an air embolus.
Dr. Gregory House: So air is keeping him from breathing air. Let's go with that for the irony.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: [House has had a confrontation with Stacy's wheelchair-bound husband] How awkward was that? What is he doing here, anyway? He's got physio Tuesdays and Fridays.
Dr. Wilson: He's in group therapy for people coping with disability. He thought about developing a drug addiction, but that would be stupid.
Dr. Gregory House: Hey! You again!
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: The drugs don't make me high, they make me neutral.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: I teach you to lie, cheat, and steal, and as soon as my back's turned you wait in line?
________________________________________
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: How is waking me up in the middle of the night to lie to a patient supposed to convince me you're better than House?
Dr. Eric Foreman: [holds up coffee] I brought you coffee?
________________________________________
Dr. Wilson: Did you know your phone is dead? Do you ever recharge the batteries?
Dr. Gregory House: They recharge? I just keep buying new phones.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: Sorry, I missed that. White count's been down since the Ricky Martin concert. Some cholo kicked me in the head.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a...
[pauses]
Dr. Gregory House: I can't think of a non-sexual metaphor.
________________________________________
[upon seeing bowls of candy canes set out for Christmas]
Dr. Gregory House: Candy *canes*? Are you mocking me?
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: Would the world be a better place if people never felt guilty? Makes sex better. Shoulda seen her in the last months of our relationship. Lot of guilt. *Lot* of screaming.
________________________________________
[repeated line]
Dr. Cameron: I hate sports metaphors.
________________________________________
Dr. Cameron, Dr. Eric Foreman, Dr. Robert Chase: [speaking about patient's symptoms] We've got rectal bleeding.
Dr. Gregory House: What, all three of you?
________________________________________
[House has a patient, and finds Chase chatting up a girl]
Dr. Gregory House: [to Chase] Hey, how's that anal fissure?
________________________________________
[House opens door loudly]
Dr. Wilson: Ahh!
Dr. Gregory House: Nineteen year old, didn't want to hear the coolest explanation of why she's going to die... begged me to shut up!
Dr. Gregory House: [slams the door]
Dr. Wilson: [cringes] Well, if you cant shut up, at least talk quietly.
Dr. Gregory House: [turns on lights] Anphedamine withdrawel's a bitch. She thought, that I was HAPPY!
[stares at wilson]
Dr. Wilson: You were, happy?
Dr. Gregory House: NO! I was hazy! And I dont get HAZY on vicodin, or anything else I throw down... Which means, I was throwing down something that I didn't know I was throwing down. And that got me to wondering, why didn't you give me those HAPPY pills?
Dr. Wilson: I told you, you gotta be checked out by...
Dr. Gregory House: NO! You just didn't want me double-dosing!
Dr. Gregory House: [wilson looks embarressed] YOU DOSED ME! Those coffees...
Dr. Wilson: They worked! You've been smiling, relaxed, happy!
Dr. Gregory House: A dying girl thought I was happy... a MORON thought I was happy! Who the hell doesn't want to know she's dying?
Dr. Wilson: House... was HAPPY.
Dr. Gregory House: HAZY!
Dr. Wilson: HAPPY.
________________________________________
Dr. Gregory House: [walks in] Good morning.
[looks at coffee mug, laughs]
Dr. Gregory House: Hah, this is funny, people don't...
Dr. Cameron: Not done reading, go away.
Dr. Gregory House: [House leaves]
Dr. Cameron: Most likely, she coughed it up, which would mean its from her lungs. Drugs, toxins, infections?
Dr. Eric Foreman: No fever, no elevated white count, which rules out infections...
Dr. Cameron: And, blood panels found no drugs, or toxins.
Dr. Robert Chase: Loncoscopy was pristine... so much for the lungs...
Dr. Gregory House: [walks back in] Good morning!
Dr. Robert Chase: Not yet!
[House leaves again]
Dr. Cameron: So then the blood came from her stomach, which would mean its an ulser or a GI bleed.
Dr. Eric Foreman: The ER also ran an upper and lower GI, no blood.
Dr. Robert Chase: Which means no ulser or GI bleed, which means its not from the stomach either, which means... the blood didnt come from anywhere?
[Everyone looks confused]
Dr. Gregory House: [Pops head in] Did you guys get to the point that the blood doesn't come from anywhere?